3rd Test : Day Two - Jekyll and Hyde England in the ascendancy

Human beings are the only animals of which I am thoroughly and cravenly afraid.
- George Bernard Shaw

Australia: 1st innings - 263; England: 1st innings - 116-2 (day two, stumps)

What a morning! After switching on the television with some trepidation, Onions and Anderson produced incredible individual performances to leave the Australians reeling. There was no need to question the players' attitude today. It was as if the test match began at the start of the day and yesterday had never happened. Some people say that debauched, drunken nights - nights when you black out - do not exist on waking because the memories are dead and England played like they had erased their memories this morning. Without the hangover, of course. I didn't even read the newspaper reports prior to the first ball because I didn't want to feed my apprehension but my concern was gloriously misplaced...

MORNING SESSION: SEVENTH HEAVEN

Shakespeare was a surprise choice to open the bowling. His three overs yesterday had gone for 21 runs and the wisdom of Brocket's decision to deviate from his trusted opening bowlers of Fred and Jimbo was immediately called into question by SS1's very own opening duo, Messrs Hussain and Atherton. Minutes later the commentators were silenced and I was whooping in my living room and punching the air as The Bard claimed two wickets with the first two balls of the day. He was on a hat-trick! On a hat-trick in the day's opening over! He trapped Watson LBW for 62 with utter disregard for the batsman's prowess the previous day and then bowled the Hussler for a golden duck when Cricket Tragic chose to leave a straight ball. We were a team reborn. The players descended upon The Medieval Face with unrestrained glee. The crowd was jubilant and roared Onions through his run-up as he faced Punter. The Aussie skipper was surprised by the bouncer that came his way but survived unscathed. Shakespeare may have missed out on the glory of a hat-trick but he completed his double wicket maiden in menacing fashion. We sensed blood. Our endurance of yesterday was rewarded in a single over. The members of the crowd who were yet to take their seats had missed high drama. Even the ever reserved Athers conceded that it had been a "remarkable" first over. The test match had swung our way for the first time.

It is an understatement to say that conditions were bowler friendly. They were optimum and capitalising on the assistance of cloud cover as quickly as possible was paramount. The Aussie batsman who begun the second over of the day would never have imagined doing so but the captain and vice-captain looked capable of riding out the maelstrom. Ponting became Oz' leading scorer in test cricket after nineteen minutes and I feared that he would celebrate his feat in style with a century. Punter was scoring freely and Brocket's field-placings were becoming increasingly frazzled and increasingly negative. The Bard then led us into dreamland - "we are such stuff as dreams are made on..." - tempting Ricky with a bouncer that he could only tickle behind to Prior. The Aussie we all love to hate the most, their skipper and their prize wicket was removed. His team were 163-4 and rocking.

With Freddie off key and Shakespeare in need of a partner crime, Strauss called upon a new hatchetman. The baby- faced assassin aka Jimbo The Leader of our Attack was introduced just before noon and he soon came to the fore. The ball was swinging and his first over - a maiden - was an ominous one. Our opponents were still going along well at almost 3.5 runs an over but wickets were in the offing. North took 23 minutes and 15 balls to get off the mark and the usually composed Clarke was uncomfortable at the other end too. It was not a morning to be a batsman. Onions and Anderson in tandem were rampant. The Medieval Face was relentless and twice almost ensnared the Pup. First, he had a big LBW appeal denied and then Fred dropped a chance in the slips. Jimmy allowed the Flintstone to laugh off a rare faux pas by deceiving Clarke with an inswinger twenty minutes before lunch. The vice-skip had added just ten more runs to his total. Debutant Manou strutted to the crease and got off the mark quickly but, with the Aussies in some turmoil, surviving through until lunch looked an achievement in itself. His partner at the other end, North, remained uneasy and with the ball swinging at will Marcus was removed by Anderson for just 12 with Prior taking a magnificent diving catch. The much mocked MJ then entered the action and, almost inevitably, was out LBW to Jimbo's first ball. It was absolutely plumb. Jimmy was now on a hat-trick too. It was sensational stuff. The hat-trick proved elusive but JA struck again a minute before lunch to remove their unheralded wicket-keeper. Anderson had claimed 4 scalps for 4 runs in thirteen deliveries. The Aussies had been annihilated and trudged off to lunch on 203-8. The session had seen 77 runs and 7 wickets. It was almost too much to take in. I was in shock. The test match had been turned on its head. And in some style.

AFTERNOON SESSION : ENGLAND PEGGED BACK

The afternoon's play was a little stale. It was always going to be hard to follow a session like this morning's magic and it was no huge surprise to see us regress. Given our staid post-lunch performances this series, I would query our choice of cuisine. And the ingredients of our tea... After the Bard and Jimmy show, we toiled for over an hour in the attempt to take the final two Aussie wickets. Broad was ineffectual and expensive (surprise, surprise...) and Fred failed to produce. The partners in crime had to return in order for the tail to be culled. Anderson struck first, removing The Vicious One at 14.10 with yet another devastating inswinger to claim his maiden Ashes five-for, and then Onions finished the job tempting the Hilfenmeister into slicing to Dr Comfort at gully. The Aussies were all out for 263. We could have scittled them out for 240 but our own Puppy had dropped a dolly off Onions and given Benjamina a reprieve. The number 11 went on to claim his highest test score. His runs could ultimately prove crucial in the outcome of the test. We must cut out sloppiness in the field. Ravinder has been casual in the field and at the crease all series (see below). He is on the brink of a return to the county scene.

Our innings begun with seventy minutes of play before tea and riding out the conditions was all important. The first over from the Aussies' new batting hero Hilfenhaus was a tame one but Sid removed our Chef for a duck in the next over. We were 2-1 and the nerves returned with a vengeance. The out of form Bopara arrived at the crease and KP's absence seemed to loom over us. The knowledge that Ian Ronald Bell could emerge at any minute was not a calming one. Our Lord, however, was playing masterfully and he guided Ravi through until the break. We were 56-1 and the loss of Cook had been neutered by some clever stroke play from both batsman. Our progress had been checked but we remained on top.

EVENING SESSION : STRAUSS LEADS THE WAY INTO THE PROMISED LAND

A English wicket after a break is like a nap after lunch. In other words, inevitable. (In civilised countries anyway*). Bopara was duly removed by Hilfenhaus for 23. Conditions had eased and it was a suicidal dismissal. He half played the shot and half blocked. A half-shot in test cricket will rarely go unpunished. Having played with much greater control than he had displayed at Lord's, it was a horribly disappointing end to Ravi's innings. His performance in the second innings here at Edgbaston should determine his fate as a Number 3 at international level. Belly bounded to the crease with boyish enthusiasm. It was great to see him back. I have missed his self-effacing charm. He started nervously and his running between the wickets was harrowing to watch but once he settled he looked more imposing than he ever had done in an England shirt. The six he hit down the ground off the Haur was sublime. It sailed straight back over the bowler's head with Pietersen esq panache. Incredibly - or unsurprisingly given our form in the shorter forms of the game - it was out first six of the series. Even Warne who the coined Bell's now infamous Sherminator moniker was impressed. Brocket was continuing to play aggressively at the other end and reached his 50 with aplomb.

The pair secured a 50 partnership off 89 balls and were well set until a rejuvenated Johnson emerged. It seemed to almost everyone in the ground that MJ had trapped Bellbeforce LBW with a delicious inswinger but umpire Rudi aka Barmy Army Impostor Extraordinaire gave Ian a reprieve. I was thrilled. I must confess that I relish in sporting injustices. If anyone deserves a second chance, it's Sherm. Plus I want to keep reading about Mitchell Johnson's mother and if MJ rediscovers his mojo she will no longer be rent a quote. Shortly after Rudi's ricket, bad light stopped play. We were offered the light and accepted it without question. We had ended the day with our wickets intact on 116-2 with Brocket sniffing another hundred on 64 not out and Bell still standing on 36 not out. We are 147 behind and a first innings lead beckons. Or it should do if the rain holds off. But today proves that, once again, England are reliable in their unreliability. Expect the unexpected tomorrow.

Quote of the Day 1: The Freddied Flintstone on not watching today's play - "On way to Somerset to look at wedding venues". Our favourite bachelor is behaving at last...

Quote of the Day 2: Profundity itself aka Mr Gower - "There is no fire without smoke".

Ornithological Count: Nada. Again. Even our Marcel was largely ignored. It may be time to cut our losses. Suggestions, please. All alternatives welcome.

Barminess Barometer: 40% - Graham Taylor was in the house. Do I not like that. The countless Just Williams, Beefy alikes, Moroccan hatted fellas, red indians, builders and err Frank Skinner himself eased the pain somewhat. It's Fancy Dress Saturday tomorrow - may the games begin...

*For some reason, my campaign to introduce siestas in England is yet to come to fruition. Do let me know if you want to contribute to the cause. Cash donations are accepted.