3rd Test : Day One - Sitting, Waiting, Cursing

How much of human life is lost in waiting.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Australia: 1st innings - 126-1 (day one, stumps)

Today was a bathetic occasion. The first day of a test match is meant to be a tremulous one. It usually gives birth to many of the nuances of the narrative that pan out over the course of five days but we only observed thirty overs. Play wasn't blighted by the weather. It was massacred. The cricket I experienced this afternoon when play finally got under way at 17.00 was bathed in a different hue. The atmosphere was a curious one. It certainly seemed like we were playing "just another test team" from the way we fielded - they players were quiet, pedestrian and enervated. It didn't look like we were competing to regain The Ashes...

As soon as I woke up this morning in a somewhat fuzzy state, things didn't feel quite right. Having bit adieu to Soho for a few days, I was eager to immerse myself in my cricketing cocoon once again but the thrilling news that Hughes had been cast aside was undermined by mutterings about the elements. It was infuriating. It wasn't raining in Birmingham when I switched on Sky Sports News this morning. In fact, it didn't rain at Edgbaston today at all. But, the torrential rain earlier in the week had waterlogged the ground and rendered the outfield unplayable. Apparently the bowlers run-ups would also have been disrupted. There was pitch inspection after pitch inspection throughout the day. The intervals gave me windows in which to get dressed, have a ciggie, go for a walk to buy provisions and so on but I was still thoroughly unamused. I hadn't anticipated being unleashed. Every time I returned home in anticipation of play beginning. Every time I returned and switched on the TV just in time to see Rudi and Nass out on the field with grave expressions. I didn't need to listen to their apologias. Deconstructing the ins and outs of the situation was a painful, thankless process.

I may have claimed to have learned patience through watching cricket but you can't be virtuous every day. I consoled myself with Eastenders and Peep Show and One Tree Hill and tried to stay calm. As the afternoon progressed and pitch inspections occurred with greater regularity, I was chained to my TV. Episodes were my only solace as I had to keep flicking back to Sky Sports One at intervals of half an hour. Or so it seemed. Hours may have passed. They must have done. But I was fidgety. The players took an early lunch but that was a false hope. The inspection post lunch at 14.00 also yielded nothing. I had pretty much given up on any cricket whatsoever being played today when whispers started that the test would begin at last at 17.00. I decided against watching the toss - it was an exciting moment in Enders and I was convinced if I flicked back to SS1 once more time I would jinx the prospect of any action. It was with some disbelief that I watched the players emerge on cue at five to open proceedings.

EVENING SESSION : ADVANTAGE OZ AS BOWLERS FLOUNDER

Punter won the toss and chose to bat. Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, he didn't elect to echo his infamous decision at Edgbaston in 05 and give us the chance to accrue a large first innings total. Nevertheless, we were hopeful of gaining an early wicket with a maiden opening pair at the crease. Watson was a walking wicket; as Athers said, "he's a natural Number 6". As Jimmy opened the bowling the news came through that Gilchrist II had injured is hand in the warm-up after the Baggy Green had submitted their team sheet. By law, they couldn't replace him but the England management team decided that we would allow them to call upon Graham Manou, the wicket keeper in reserve. A sporting gesture which we may live to rue. Why enforce rules which will always be broken in practice? Then again, all laws are there to be flouted...

The allotted thirty overs passed without great incident. The waiting was over but the England we had waited for didn't turn up. The team of Lord's was replaced with an insipid, sluggish model. All the seamers failed to make inroads and the partnership of Kat and Watson quickly became the Aussies' best opening stand of the summer. They were scoring at an alarming rate of over four an over almost from the off. With Fred bowling too short and Jimbo too wide, we looked to Boyband and Shakespeare to deliver but they were toothless. A few limp, half-hearted appeals ensued before Brocko introduced our Marcel into the attack. With Oz on the verge of racking up 100 runs so early in the match, Dr Comfort made the breakthrough trapping the Kat LBW for 46 off just 48 balls. There was over half an hour of the session remaining to claim another wicket and get back on top. Punter, however, was a man on a mission. His introduction didn't slow the run rate and he reached 20,000 first class runs within minutes of coming to the crease. The under pressure Watson at the other end was in the zone playing a classic one day innings. Shane reached his 50 off 89 in a nonchalant manner. The prematch talk has certainly not affected him. The pair peppered the boundary until close reaching 126-1 from just 30 overs. It had been a lifeless, forgettable few hours of play from England apart from Swann's moment of class. Was that worth waiting for? Absolutely.

Quote of the Day: Rev Simpkins : on Satan - "Here was a man in cricket whites / Who tempted Jesus for 40 long nights / A bat at his side, sipping at tea / He raised a finger and he beckoned to me" [Lucifer Rag]

Ornithological Count: The biggest birdcall of the series. Prodigy take a bow. He tweeted the news of his fall from favour and became the first cricketer to do so. My ears were pricked. But, it proved to be a false dawn. The mid morning fire alarm silenced our feathered friends for the rest of the day. The siren had been loud enough for Messrs Gower, Hussain & Atherton to bolt from their seats and forced SS1 into an impromptu ad break so you can hardly blame the winged creatures for scarpering...

Barminess Barometer: To infinity and beyond. The vast majority of the 21,000 strong Brummie crowd stayed in the ground until play began. They sat watching an empty field for six hours. Six hours. They provided more entertainment than Team England (sic) ever could. They waited in splendour - most dressed as superheroes, Flintstones and the like and all supping beer and singing . Respec'!

All I want tomorrow is a full day's cricket. That isn't too much to ask for ... is it?