5th Test : The End of The Beginning

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
- Winston Churchill, The Lord Mayor's Luncheon, Mansion House 10 November 1942

England 332 & 373-9d beat Australia 160 & 348 by 197 runs

Greetings Barmies. First, I would like to apologise for my silence. I have only just about recovered from my celebrations. Sunday night was an emotional one. I headed to Shoreditch to ride on The White Horse at The Church Of Blue Eyes and celebrate our glorious victory. In a state of disbelief, I danced the night away alongside some of the capital's finest fashionistas. It was a most curious evening. They all seemed unaware of the history that had passed before us earlier in the day. Having been in Regent's Park alongside fourteen thousand joyous jingoists, it was surreal to be at a party where The Ashes was an absent force. It is a gross understatement to label my companions non cricketing aficionados.

Nevertheless, my friend and I raised shots to His Fredness and injected some extra Barminess into the occasion. The amount of flesh on show rendered this somewhat obsolete - as one would expect from a poledancing extravaganza - but it felt rather fitting to be at an event where unbridled exhibitionism and hedonism was at the forefront. This summer has been a celebration of many things and Johnny Blue Eyes' philosophy has been articulated through our cricket this summer. The Ashes 2009 has been an expression of hope and change. Although, not always for the better…

The fifth test was a testing experience for any viewer - part-time and thoroughbred alike. The narrative of the test was true to the topsy-turvy nature of our battles with the Aussies all summer and it was only with Freddie's run-out of Punter on Sunday afternoon that we could confidently envision victory. (Even after Boyband's heroics, the pessimistic Phoenix feared an Aussie fightback). On Thursday, as the test match began, I felt a sense of sadness that the series was drawing a close and the spectre of emptiness loomed. I believed our batting performance on the first day was under-par - in fact, despite our victory I still do - and I feared that we had discarded all chance of victory with the ubiquitous batting collapse that befell us once again.

Having won a crucial toss and chosen to bat first, we were unable to steady our nerves with a strong opening stand as Cook fell cheaply once again. Brocko and The Sherminator then combined well and achieved a century partnership but our middle order crumbled once the pair were dismissed, for 55 and 72 respectively. An uncomfortable Colly was removed for just 24, Prior departed for 18 and Freddie was out for 7 in his penultimate test innings. Not for the first time this summer, it was left to our tail to wag us out of trouble. The Vicious One bowled Dr Comfort in the final over of the day just as our Marcel and Boyband were complimenting each other at the crease in ominous fashion. Eight wickets in total fell on the first day as we reached 307 for 8 at stumps.

The dust bowl of a pitch polarised debate on our first innings total. Shayne believed 350 would be a solid score on such a precarious wicket but I felt that the failure of our batsmen to once again go on and score a hundred was the death knell in our Ashes hopes. The Lost Boy's inability to reach a century was especially disappointing as he was dismissed by Sid straight after tea chopping onto his stumps. Only Bellbeforce could have been dismissed facing his first ball after a break in such innocuous circumstances. Belly may have top-scored but it was Vince's solid 41 that was the highlight of our innings. Trotsky's debut knock was a sign of glory to come...

Friday was labelled the decisive day of the summer. It was a largely unanimous opinion that we would only be able to judge the quality of our first innings in light of The Aussie's own display. With The Baggies only needing to draw the final test to retain the Ashes, a commanding first innings batting display could have taken the series away from us. The emphasis was upon us to secure a first innings lead, bowl our opponents out quickly and build a platform from which we could declare. We never imagined that we would make inroads into all three aims in a single day but Friday was an incredible, pulsating day of drama in which fifteen wickets fell.

The Test of Tests was ignited by a devastating display from the much maligned Stuart Broad. His glorious five for electrified a magical afternoon and destroyed the Aussies' hopes. His removal of Shane II, Punter, The Hussler and Pup in 21 balls was a spell-binding passage of cricket. Boyband took these four prized wickets for just eight runs outfoxing the opposition with savage swing bowling as The Oval erupted in wild disbelief. Australian implosions are all too rare and I could hardly contain myself. On the eve of the test, KP had called for an Englishman to decide the match on his own and the unlikely figure of Westloife had heeded Pietersen's call. The Blonde claimed his final scalp with a masterful delivery that removed Gilchrist II's off stump. The afternoon session was simply electric. Marcel, at the other end, was inspired and dismissed Snorks, MJ and The Kat with quality deliveries. The Baggies had been pulverised. From a position of some strength at 73-0, our opponents had been ripped apart and reduced to 133-8 . The urn was in reach at last.

A veil of delirium descended on the ground and its supporters. Such brilliance was almost entirely unexpected if not unprecedented. Our performance at Headingley had been so horrific that many of us had given up hope of winning the series. England's extreme Jekyll and Hyde nature was lovable at last. The evening session saw the demise of the remaining Aussie wickets as Dr Comfort claimed another scalp and Freddie got into the act. Our second innings then begun amid strange scenes of euphoria doused with tension. Would we collapse on the dust bowl in turn? Surely even England couldn't let slip a position of such ascendancy... Unsurprisingly, early wickets fell with The Chef, The Lost Boy and The Nurdler all departing before the close but crucially Lord Brocko remained at the crease and he nursed our rookie Vince through the final overs. We ended the day on 58-3 with a staggering lead of 230.

Saturday was a day of consolidation. The game had accelerated at such a pace that a consecutive three day test match was a prospect. Our over-night lead looked almost unassailable already. But we wanted to ensure that victory could be a procession not an agonising conquest. We hoped to set the Aussies an effectively impossible target for their second innings by batting for most of the day and only inserting them into bat in the evening session when we had a lead of 500 plus runs. Whether we would have a chance to declare was contingent on our flailing batsmen producing at last. Our Lord and his lieutenant Trotsky gave us the perfect platform with a masterful performance of controlled, assured cricket on the most curious of wickets. Vince secured his maiden Test fifty just before lunch. Our lead had raced onto 329. Both batsman looked on the brink of centuries but Brocko lost concentration on 75 and he returned to the hutch minutes before the break. Prior strolled to the crease and almost immediately drew Baggy blood. Literally. He hit Punter in the mouth and the Aussie captain responded by feigning painless indifference whilst spitting blood onto the turf. It was a glorious moment.

The rest of the day was eerily majestic. Vince trotted serenely to a masterful maiden hundred, ably assisted by buccaneering brilliance from the departing Flintstone, The Blonde reborn and the mischievous Marcel. When Vince was finally dismissed on 119, we declared on 373 for 9 with an imperious lead of 545. Everything had gone to plan. It was most unnerving. Something had to give. Sure enough, we were unable to capture an early wicket or two in the evening as the Aussie openers held firm. They ended the day on 80 for no loss. The target we had set for the Aussies was a world record run chase but a nagging doubt remained. The Baggies, the No 1 in the world, had broken plenty of records in the past. Of course, this auraless bunch were, and are, not on a par with their history-making predecessors and the urn was just ten wickets away but I was not getting over-confident. This England team had toyed with our emotions all summer. I anticipated greatness but tried to reign myself in. My tickets for the fifth day's play at The Oval on Monday also meant that I was in a quandary. In some ways, a quick victory on Sunday would have been welcome but I really wanted to be there in person to salute His Fredness and see us recapture Sport's smallest and finest trophy. And so, to Sunday. The 23rd of August 2009. The day that we regained the Ashes.

The Novice and I arrived in Regent's Park just as play began for the day. We were buoyed by the quick wickets that fell as Marcel delivered on the Bunsen Burner dismissing The Kat for 43 and the Blonde reprised his devastating spell removing Shane II LBW for 40. But the subsequent partnership between Punter and Mr Cricket was a trying one. Part of me was thrilled that it looked as if we were going to go into a fifth day but part of me was concerned that history was going to be made and not in the way we all wanted. The pair looked so well set and were racking up runs with such speed that an Aussie victory had begun to look like a possibility. I begun to realise that my desire to see a fifth day's play was probably dependent on the Baggies scenting victory and enduring a horribly frenetic finish. We hadn't witnessed a wicket for over four hours and the crowd in the park were restless. The Novice was displeased that our early promise had been replaced by impotence verging on inertia. Having joked that the series might be over by lunch, we had sat back and witnessed a stoic Aussie fightback. The urn was beginning to look out of reach once again.

But, cometh the hour, cometh the man. Superfred came to our rescue. Not for the first time this summer, of course. Freddie had been unusually quiet in his last test match but fielding in the graveyard of mid-on he came up with one last moment of magic running out Ricky for 66. The impenetrable partnership had been broken and momentum was with us once again. Fred stood hands outstretched as the pillar of Aussie hopes departed fuming. Flintoff had punctured the final bastion of Baggie resistance. Surely now, the urn was coming home. The Oval was alive with expectation as the Pup strode to the crease. The dust bowl pitch was a dastardly place to begin an innings and we sensed blood. Ponting's heir looked more than uncertain and Brocket appealed for a run out with Clarke on 0. The decision was a marginal one and we stood in the park praying that the third umpire would dismiss our nemesis for a duck so the party could begin in earnest. The crowd erupted as the Pup was forced to retreat for no score. Victory seemed inevitable. At last.

Once our Marcel, revelling in the Steinbeck inspired conditions, claimed the wicket of Snorks, we anticipated that the final five Aussie wickets would be a mere procession. The Dr had claimed the Baggie's last recognised batsman, save for the immovable Mr Cricket, before tea to leave the Aussies reeling at the break on 265-5. The wicket was another contentious moment as Prior removed the bails with North aiming for a huge sweep off our spin king and Bowden deemed the batsman out without recourse to the third umpire. The tide had inexorably swung our way. After the break, however, The Hussler and Gilchrist II put on a partnership of 91 to raise Aussie hopes. It looked like play might continue into Monday and I might be at The Oval to witness victory after all. But once our Swann removed Haddin just after Mr Cric reached his 100 victory was officially within reach. The Aussie tail was exposed and the atmosphere was one of gleeful expectation. GBH then entered the fray removing MJ for a duck and then both Sid and Clark in consecutive balls. Harmy missed out on his hat-trick and the stage was set for Marcel to seal victory. Our Dr fittingly claimed the last scalp as The Hussler departed at last for 121 as he was caught by The Chef at short leg. The final five wickets had fallen in a frenetic flurry for 21 runs in just 48 balls. The urn was back home.

It was pandemonium in the park. We remained standing to cheer our man of the match - Boyband (who else?) - and our man of the series - Our Lord (again, who else?) through the presentation ceremony and reserved the loudest cheer of all for our first sight of the urn in Brocket's hand. After the Aussies' dominance in the stats, a wave of incredulity swept over me. How had we won a series in which our opponents had smashed eight centuries to our two hundreds and possessed the crop of the leading wicket takers too? It seemed wonderfully unjust. A smash and grab effort at the last or a reward for mental might? Straussy himself was circumspect - "when we were bad, we were very bad but when we were good, we were good enough". In the end, we deserved to regain the urn because we delivered on the decisive days. Our resilience had enabled us to be victorious; at the crucial moments, we had conquered. All our fallibilities were forgotten in the cauldron of noise and the realisation of glory. It was as if our potential had been rewarded. A cricketing dynasty seems within reach for this able and largely inexperienced team. Parity with our 05 heroes had been attained in the end in some style. It was The End of a sumptuous summer but The Beginning of Bounty to come...

The 05 Ashes series was the beginning of the end of a glorious side. The bowling attack of Freddie, GBH, Hoggy, Jones and Gilo never played together again. The 09 Ashes winners have the chance to better their forbearers by building on their success over the Baggy Green and becoming the No 1 Test side in the world. We must see this victory as merely The End of The Beginning. The battle for the urn is the pinnacle of our cricket but we should play with the same intensity throughout the intervening months. The 05 heroes were blighted by injury and excess; inconsistency dogged their progress. With Flower and The Lord at the helm, sober progress this time should be more than attainable. Before our eyes drift to the next Ashes series which begins in November next year, we must focus on beating all our other foes. South Africa beckon this November. I can't wait to see how we perform. Let's hope we cast off the Ashes hangover in some style...

In the meantime, Test cricket is set aside as one day cricket takes centre stage. We are playing two Twenty20s and seven ODIs against the Aussies over the next few weeks. I will, of course, be watching but the anticlimax will be a tangible one. This summer has proven that the long form of the game and the Ashes, in particular, is the ultimate cricketing conflict.

Thank you to everyone who has shared cricketing capers with me this summer and read my musings with relish. My memories are multiple. This series has been a wonderful combination of the magnificent and the mundane. Being at Lord's with The Eternal Optimist to witness our historic victory was probably the highlight. But sharing our reclamation of the urn in the park with The Novice was equally exquisite. I will also never forget enjoying the excruciating ending in Cardiff on the sofa with The Bearded Lady or witnessing the third test petering out into a draw with The Singing Spinner in a near empty Walkabout. I often watched the midweek action toute seule pen in hand so thanks for all of the textual intercourse - The Freddied Flintstone’s efforts always cheered me up, even during Headingley's horrorshow.

As we look to the future, we should all allow ourselves a period of mourning to grieve the passing of such a splendid series. "There is nothing more exciting in sport" [Ian 'Beefy' Botham on The Ashes].

The Phoenix

5th Test Finale : We have won back the Ashes!

All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.
- T.E. Lawrence @ The Oval

The urn is back home! We have won the Ashes!

I still can't quite believe I am typing this. I am in shock. There are no words to express the elation that I feel. After the first day of this test, I thought that the series was lost but a heroic bowling performance from Broad transformed our chances. It has been magical cricket. All summer, the pendulum of momentum has swung between the sides and we have been unable to relax and enjoy the moment. Now is the time to savour our triumph.

The explosion of colour - the explosion of hope as the Aussie wickets tumbled on Friday - opened up the possibility of victory in the series once again and Vince cemented our winning position yesterday. The horrors of Headingley are forgiven! The frustration of Edgbaston forgotten! The players produced on the ultimate stage.

The final test has defied language. With the end nigh, it has been hard to absorb everything. Today was a beautiful culmination of graft, toil and alchemy.

I will post my views once I have slept on the past four days and Freddied this evening.

Make sure you celebrate tonight. There have been few better days to be a England Cricket Fan.

5th Test - Day Two : Is this it?

It is great to be a blonde. With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people.
- Pamela Anderson

England - 1st innings : 332 & 2nd innings : 58-3 vs Australia - 1st innings : 160 (day two, stumps)

After a summer of shifts and turns, day two was a stunningly decisive exhibition of cricket. The new Blonde on the block - Stuart Broad - delivered a mesmeric spell to leave the Aussies reeling. I am still in shock. It really does seem that - whisper it - the urn is coming home!

England's green and pleasant land was bathed in sunshine yesterday afternoon as Boyband and our Dr Comfort ripped through the Aussie batting line-up.

Who knows what Day Three holds? Will The Test match be all over tonight? Surely not! We must bat out the day and triumph tomorrow. AOL and disbelief have muzzled me but I will align my thoughts anon and relay my revelations.

Yesterday was the most incredible day of cricket for some time. Forgive my silence... A Phoenix had to celebrate last night.

5th Test - Day One : Squeaky-bum time already...

Other nations use ''force''; we Britons alone use ''Might.''
- Evelyn Waugh, Scoop

England: 1st innings - 307-8 (day one, stumps)

The Phoenix has been at the mercy of AOL and unable to blather freely over the past few days. Apologies for the hiatus. My tweetings were abruptly halted yesterday just as the afternoon session begun and then I was unable to write last night as the breakdown of my AOL server echoed yet another England collapse.

After a single day's play, we are on the precipice. If our tail wags and we achieve a score of 350 odd this morning that will give us some hope but that will still not be a par score on this wicket. We cannot use the pitch as an excuse for our inability to post a first innings score in excess of 400. Our batsman failed once again to deliver "big runs". We have scored a single century this series in comparison to the Baggies' seven. It is now down to the bowlers to wrestle back that wee urn.

Freddie. The Time is Now.

So, in haste, come follow the day's play with me and watch the battle resume. If you dare...

5th Test : The Countdown

I dream, therefore I exist.
- August Strindberg

I am only just beginning to overcome the shock of Headingley's horrors. As my tweetings indicate, the journey has not been as easy one. The dismal display over the weekend was an affair no-one should have to endure.

But, this week is a time for action - we must set the SOS mission into life. All talk has now turned to wholesale changes, especially in light of the failures of The Puppy, The Lost Boy and The Chef this afternoon. With no further ado, here is my XI for the Test of Tests -

Strauss
Trescothick
Key
Ramprakash
Collingwood
Prior
Flintoff
GBH
Anderson
Swann
Rashid
12th man: Broad

Let me know your thoughts. I believe radical introductions in the batting line-up are a must. The inclusion of Rashid is obviously contingent on the wicket. This test is a one-off so let's dispense with caution in selection. The Urn is as stake so we can afford to look at this test in isolation.

Next Thursday cannot come soon enough. I am already alive with tension.

Here is some light relief to stave off the nerves - The Eternal Optimist has discovered The Sherminator's calling. There's no surprise that a white flag is involved...

I am off to hunt for moose now. Please allow yourself to drift off to the last day at The Oval in my silence - imagine us carousing in victory as the Aussies slump to the turf. Fantasy is the ultimate doctor of comfort.

The Phoenix

4th Test - Day Three : Hope fades as Australia seize victory and momentum in the quest for the urn

Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
- T. S. Eliot

Australia 445 beat England 102 & 263 by an innings & 80 runs

I am still recovering from the shock of that shambolic performance. It's a One Test Series now. Yesterday's defeat means that we now need to be victorious at The Oval to win The Ashes. The urn hasn't looked more elusive all summer. Our display at Headingley was horrifying; the batsman and the bowlers united in eptitude and belief notable only in its absence. But the news that Freddie is set to play in the fifth test has at least given us a fillip after the disastrous third test. I don't want to dwell too much on what happened. Our diabolical first morning rendered the rest of the test redundant. We were brutally beaten in the opening two hours on Friday. Our tail delayed the inevitable admirably but still couldn't hide our incompetence...

MORNING SESSION : TAIL WAGS TO GIVE US SOME CHEER AT LAST

We started the day expecting play to be over by lunch. Jimbo was duly dismissed by The Hilfenmeister with the third ball of the day to bring Boyband to the crease alongside The Teeth. Prior had been dropped by Snorks the previous day and I expected this reprieve to be short-lived. However, we managed to reach 100 runs and after half an hour succeeded in avoideing suffering the heaviest defeat in our history. In 1973 we lost by an innings and 226 runs to the Windies at Lord's. It's important to remember that as dire as we played in this test, things have been even worse. Who would choose to be an England cricket fan eh?! Our wicketkeeper fell for 22 off 29 to leave us rocking on 120-7 but his attacking stroke play had set the tone for a thoroughly entertaining morning. Westlife and his new partner Marcel batted in swashbuckling ODI fashion and peppered the boundary with glorious ease. The Blonde smashed four 4s off Clark in a single over to reek revenge in their personal duel and Broad raced to a half century in just fourty-two balls. The pair were toying with a frustrated Aussie bowling attack and remarkably celebrated an hundred partnership off just seventy three deliveries. Unfortunately, Stuart was removed by Sid for 61 just before lunch to end any hope of us avoiding an innings defeat. It was a relief to see England rediscover some swagger and fight but it was too little too late. Dr Comfort recorded his own bristling half century just before lunch and we reached the break 245-8 and trailing by 163 runs. Our run-rate of 6.79 and our exquisite stroke play made me question our batsman even more. How had they all failed to produce on such a benign surface? "We should reverse the batting line up and move the bowlers up the order," mused Beefy. He was only half joking.

AFTERNOON SESSION : AUSSIES CLINCH THE MOST RESOUNDING OF VICTORIES

The afternoon session was not a long one. Swann soon departed for a test best score of 62 as MJ continued his reinvention with his fourth wicket of the innings and then Onions was dismissed for a duck as Emo cemented his return to form with figures of 5-69 and a place on the honours board. We were 263 all out. The misery was over at last. At the obscene hour of 14.04 on the third day of the test, The Aussies had won by an innings and 80 runs. Our exhibition of incompetence was silenced. We had been outplayed, out-thought and out-fought.

The series is now all square at 1-1. Our grasp on the urn has slipped away.

Infuriating Quote of the Day 1: Brocko - "We didn't turn up". Utterly unacceptable explanation. How can a team not turn up for the biggest test match of their lives? We could have regained the urn at Headingley. It was cowardice for Strauss to hide behind a cliché. His words were empty. We, the Barmies, deserve better.

Infuriating Quote of the Day 2: Punter - "Everything is heading in our direction". Can someone please silence this man? Smuggery incarnate.

Ornithological Count: The birds were in absentia. Lucky for some.

Barminess Barometer: 50% - the crowd were as colourful as one could expect on such day. Losing a test inside three days is diabolical and even the Barmies couldn't totally conceal their contempt. Nevertheless some of the fans sparkled amidst the gloom; 5 clowns, 3 crusaders and 3 glorious dudes in drag, in particular, were a source of solace.

We need an oval-shaped miracle. The pendulum of victory is swinging inexorably away from us but with Fred in the team there is always a chance...

4th Test - Day Two : All over bar the grumbling - Aussies all but square the series

I like a look of agony,
Because I know it’s true;
- Emily Dickinson

England: 1st innings 102 & 2nd innings - 82-5 ; Australia: 1st innings 445

Avert your eyes! If you found the activity that passed for cricket on Friday atrocious then please don't read on. Spare yourself. Today's play was toxicity itself. Reliving it now is making me shake with rage. If you thought our performance couldn't get any worse, then you were very much mistaken...

MORNING SESSION : DISGRACE CONTINUES APACE

Only a single wicket fell in the morning session. The Bearded Lady and I observed the scene in disgust. I am beginning to run out of negative adjectives to describe our perilous play. I am a proud pessimist but even I am flummoxed by our sheer, unadulterated shoddiness. It was torture once again. By the time Shakespeare denied Pup a richly deserved century twelve minutes before lunch, the Aussies had raced to 303-5. Our bowling had been universally appalling - wide and short yet again - and horribly expensive. Clarke and North re-enacted their mastery of Monday with ease. Their glorious reprisal was largely unthreatened. Strauss was forced to chuck the ball to Marcel just before noon because our seamers were so toothless. The Aussies peppered the boundary passing milestone upon milestone effortlessly. They moved from a 50 partnership to an 100 partnership via the vice skip's half century and Snorks picked up his own 50 just before the pair passed an 150 run stand. When Onions trapped Pup LBW for 93 it only served to demonstrate the naiveté of Brocket's captaincy. The Lord's decision to ignore The Bard first up was mystifying. North and his new partner Gilchrist II reached lunch with their wickets intact. Oz were 306-5 and in almost lazy, resplendent control. We were on the road to nowhere.

AFTERNOON SESSION : AUSSIES MAUL AND MOCK OUR FALLEN TROOPS

I returned to the television with reluctance. I feared the Aussie onslaught would roll on and on and on. The new ball was due in three overs but I was not overly invigorated by its imminence. Our bowlers had been so tame and so sluggish and so disengaged, I couldn't envision how they could reconfigure themselves to prosper with the new ball. But GBH capitalised on the opportunity and removed Haddin for just six. I allowed myself to dream once again. Oz were 323-6 and knocking them over for 350 was within reach. The containment plan was alive. Reducing the Baggies to a lead of 248 runs was a very real possibility. Or so we foolishly hoped. Snorks and MJ combined for an exhilarating partnership of 51 runs off just 78 balls and beyond. The Blonde finally dismissed Emo for 27 with Oz into a lead of 291 at 393-7. The Loife struck again next ball removing Sid for a duck but the Oz tail wasn't silenced yet. No. 10 batsman Mr Reliable combined with North to see the Aussie lead across the 300 mark. Marcus reached his third test century with a flourish - a six off Dr Discomfort - and Clark batted furiously at the other end flashing sixes of his own. The batsmen were toying with our bowlers. One Reliable six ended up in the media toilets. I will not descend to expletive ridden bile. I will leave you to work out the pathetic fallacy... "This is embarrassing," fumed Beef. One over off Broad went for sixteen but he came back to dismiss both Clark and The Hilfenmesiter to reach career best figures of 6-91 and end the Aussie innings at last. Boyband's largely undeserved maiden Ashes five for was the only spark in the darkness. Oz were 445 all out with a lead of 338. An innings defeat was a grim procession in the making.

EVENING SESSION : HORROR SHOW

I almost can't bring myself to write about what happened. To describe our demise is to accept it's reality. I am still bristling with denial. But I will persevere. I am aware that the waking nightmare will not diminish until I lose consciousness - "To sleep: perchance to dream"... Let my invective unfurl and hasten sleep. With excruciating inevitability, we collapsed once Brocket was bowled by Benjamina LBW for 32. The Chef and Cook had racked up another opening stand of fifty odd but that solidity was undermined by the catastrophe that followed. We lost five wickets in the final hour of the day. Bopara followed Strauss back to the hutch the very next ball. Ravinder's golden duck was no surprise but it was a horrifying moment. The fall of two wickets was a portent of culls to come - a cluster of chaos was about to ensue. Sure enough, The Lost Boy was a victim to the reappearance of MJ's mojo and departed for just 3. A reborn Emo then removed both The Nurdler and The Chef for 4 and 30 runs respectively. Night-watchman Anderson had failed to do his job and exposed Cooky to the strike to dire circumstances. It was farcical. We had lost all logic. Chaos reigned as we almost lost a sixth wicket in the final over but Snorks dropped a catch in the slips. It was a mercy drop. We reached stumps a hideous 82-5 trailing by 261 runs. We are on the verge of one of the most humiliating innings defeats in our history.

"There are no positives" proclaimed Boycott.

Quote of the Day : The reliably phlegmatic Singing Spinner gets tough and warns captain Brock - "Unmitigated disaster is not a phrase I use regularly...". Brocket! Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Ornithological Count: 4 Toucan birds observed proceedings unfazed. Marvellous.

Barminess Barometer: 99% - it was fancy dress Saturday at Headingley and the Barmy Army, unlike our players, produced in some style. The unspoken theme was drag divas through the ages. Cricket fans are very confident in their masculinity and embrace their feminine side absolutely. Highlights included 4 Egyptian sphinxes, 1 Swiss cow girl, 5 nuns, 1 bikini clad beauty with a bear sized wig (Her/his humongous hair obscured the view of the members of the crowd behind him. They were in luck!), several beauteous Susan Boyles, countless old Noras and Marilyn Monroe. The wig sellers of Leeds must be dancing. Recession? What recession?! It actually became difficult to differentiate between the drag show and the female members of the crowd. Shocking pink lipstick was everywhere...

3 cows were also in the crowd alongside the ubiquitous Scooby, Kanga and Roo, Nasser's twin, a fearsome gorilla, two clowns, 5 Marcel Marceau lookalikes, Banana Man and 1 dead ringer for Bumble with an even larger hooter. Scintillating stuff.

I hope tomorrow morning is short and sour. I can't cope with much more of this.

4th Test - Day One : Aussies seize the initiative as noxious England flounder (part two)

Fear and Hope — those are the names of the two great passions which rule the race of man
- William Morris, Signs of Change

England : 1st innings 102; Australia : 1st innings 196-4 (day one, stumps)

It is hard to rake over such a demise. Sometimes deconstruction is redundant. Pain overwhelms and words depart. But I will try my best. Perhaps writing will act as succour. My warblings as the first day progressed were recorded on twitter and read back like a lamentation. I can't promise the following will be any less mournful but I will not apologise. Even if I didn't don my lucky cricket jumper whilst watching, Strauss and the lads remain to blame...

MORNING SESSION : HOW TO LOSE A TEST MATCH IN TWO HOURS AND ALIENATE YOUR FANS

Brocko was almost out LBW to Hilfenhaus first ball and the tone was set. Our Lord was clearly unable to clear his mind from the chaos of the morning and soon departed for just three runs. This was the "monster" game of the series [Shayne - who else would say something so uncouth?!] but something didn't feel right. The loss of sleep, the loss of Freddie and the near-loss of The Teeth had unsettled the captain and his team. Strauss was lucky not to be dismissed for a golden duck. His Sid induced departure fifteen minutes brought the out of form Ravinder to the crease. Having failed to deliver all series, this was his moment, his last chance to prove himself as a test match number three. But The Puppy was removed for just a single run. The Hilfenmesiter ensnared Bopara with ease. We were 16 -2 after half an hour. 2 wickets in the first seven overs had left us reeling. The Lost Boy emerged and I was not cheered by the sight of his nervous visage. Sherm and The Chef managed to survive until drinks at noon but shortly afterwards Belly was dismissed by a menacing MJ for just eight. Mr Emo had struck with the third ball of his third over. Our affinity with the collapse had reared again. "Problems for England" deadpanned Holding. The target was to get to lunch with our wickets intact. Cook looked well set on 20 and our Man for a Crisis aka The Nurdler was the perfect companion for dour rear-guard action. But the atmosphere was a febrile one. It was disgraceful that we were on the defensive so early and anxiety was alive on the field and in the crowd. Having won the toss and chosen to bat, we were on the ropes already.

The conditions were more bowler friendly than expected and the Aussie quicks were a potent force but they were by no means unplayable. Our self-destructive streak had returned with a vengeance, seeping by osmosis throughout the side. Colly was deceived by a good delivery by the recalled Clark aka Mr Reliable and was out for a duck. The momentum in the series had shifted. Our batsman were playing loosely and chasing the ball - it was agony to watch such reckless stroke play. "It's chaos. I feel like I'm in fast-forward" remarked Shayne. Aided and abetted by cloud cover and humidity, the Oz bowlers continued apace. Mr Reliable, in particular, was relentless in his accuracy and secured the scalp of The Chef, our only remaining specialist batsman, for just 30 runs. We were in disarray. Boyband marched to the crease to join The Teeth and the brittle nature of our batting line-up was manifest. Westlife was culled by Clark in the session's final over to complete the final over. We were a horrendous 72-6. The test match was already gone.

AFTERNOON SESSION : X RATED CRICKET AS ENGLAND IMPLODE

With the Aussie bowlers on fire, I feared that we wouldn't even reach a century of runs in our first innings. I settled back on the sofa with some trepidation. This was masochism of the highest order. Our last hope of restoring some pride lay with Dr Comfort and our wicketkeeper/batsman/footballer. Marcel survived without scoring for fifteen balls as Prior scored freely as the other end but then our Swann was dismissed for a duck edging to Pup off Siddle. We were 92-7 and 100 seemed some distance away. GBH marched into the arena and was welcomed back to The Ashes with a bouncer right in the melon from The Vicious One. Harmy, unsurprisingly, soon departed for a duckling and the Aussies needed just two more wickets to skittle us out. "England need a Houdini act now", grimaced Beefy. We had collapsed like a house of cards - a line of lemmings walking the plank. Jimbo arrived with his record of 52 consecutive duckless innings under threat. Anderson managed to get off the mark but he was out for a single run as Sid struck again with a bouncer. "Maybe Strauss should declare now!" chuckled Athers. This was a tragicomic innings of Shakespearean proportions. It was apt that it was The Bard who was the final domino to fall. Vicious claimed his maiden Ashes five-for as Onions also failed to score. The Teeth was left stranded on an unbeaten 37. We were all out for an abysmal 102. Our lowest score at Headingley for over hundred years. It was a shocking, shocking collapse. We were shell-shocked.

The Aussies, buoyed with momentum, begun their innings with urgency, confidence and panache. Only two of our batsman reached double figures but Shane II managed to reach double figures in his first over off Jimmy. The embarrassment was intensifying. Minute by minute our lead in the series was fading from our grasp in devastating fashion. GBH made an early breakthrough dismissing The Kat for a duck but the moment was an aberration in a sea of substandard conduct. The aura had descended upon The Australians once again. They may have been an uncomfortable 14-1 but Punter and his partner Watson played with poise and accelerated superbly. Ponting was off the mark with a boundary and the pair raced away with ease. Our bowling was completely off key - far too short, far too wide, far too predictable. Onions was introduced into the attack and his ball was pulled for six by the Barmy Army's No 1 fan. This was the nadir. Our opponent's run rate was an extraordinary 8.2 runs per over. Who said this wasn't a batting pitch? Our bowlers toiled away in gruesome ineptitude. Anderson didn't look fully fit but the others had no excuse for their wayward line and length. The Aussie skipper and Mr Watson secured a fifty partnership off just sixty nine balls and continued effortlessly until tea. They were 69-1 and peerless.

EVENING SESSION : ENGLAND UNLEASH MITIGATED FIGHTBACK

The evening session yielded three wickets and some hope but it couldn’t camouflage the calamitous play which had gone before. The Aussies ended the day with a healthy lead. When the evening session got underway, they signalled their intent with some aggressive stroke-play. The Baggies quickly scampered into a lead and we were leaking boundaries. The Bard made the break-through at last removing Shane II just after the batsman had passed 50. Westlife then miraculously dismissed Punter LBW for 78 just as the skipper looked set for yet another century. Oz were 140-3 with a lead of 38. The Blonde soon claimed another scalp - The Hussler LBW. Their lead had advanced to just 49. But no further wickets fell in the evening session as Clarke was luckily deemed not out gloving to Bopara off Harmison. The umpires declared that the ball had struck the vice skip's fore-arm not his glove. Luck had deserted England too. Another wicket would have given us an outside chance of retaining parity in the match and the series. But Australia ended the day on 196-4 with Messrs Snorks and The Pup still at the crease. Their lead was 94 and a Monday déjà vu was on the cards. Shudder...

Quote of the Day 1: Bumble on haunted Headingley, ghosts and post-mortem existence - "This is a suspicious place".

Quote of the Day 2: The Singing Spinner - [as Ravi came into bat] "This is it". How horribly apt.

Ornithological Count: 4 Ducks - 3 thorough-breads and one golden beast. Grotesque. Poison that birdseed now.

Barminess Barometer: 500% - KISS were in the house. I think we should have invited them onto the pitch. Our players might have been sparked into action at the sight of the rampaging, fire-breathing, blood-spitting legends...

I'm sure all England fans watched Saturday's play through the fog of a hangover. The first day's play was traumatising viewing.

4th Test - Day One : Aussies seize the initiative as noxious England flounder

Chaos is the name for any order that produces confusion in our minds
- George Santayana

England : 1st innings 102; Australia : 1st innings 196-4 (day one, stumps)

Yesterday was hideous. Utter carnage. Chaos from the off. The team were disturbed by a fire alarm in their hotel at 4am in the morning and the portents soon multiplied by the minute. Freddie's absence was confirmed on waking, then Prior got injured in the warm up attempting to play football and the toss was delayed. Colly donned the gloves on the outfield with The Teeth pole-axed and we feared that we would begin the test without our first choice wicketkeeper as well as the Titans - Flintoff and KP. After an anxious wait, Brocket announced the team and Prior was deemed to be fit to start. GBH came into the side as we elected to stick with five bowlers rather than strengthen our batting line-up with the introduction of The Pig's Trotter.

A catastrophic batting performance ensued and our worst innings total in the Ashes since 1997 has left our hopes of regaining the urn very much in the balance. A total of 102 runs when batting first in abysmal. We staged a mitigated fight-back by taking four Aussie wickets in their first innings but there is no way we can win this test now. The series will be decided at The Oval.

I will write a lengthy report soon but I wanted to write this morning to share my condolences with you all. Watching our performance yesterday was a traumatic experience. Following England should come with a health warning. Barmy Army Membership is not for the faint of heart... Here's hoping we can salvage some pride today.

Follow me on Twitter today!

4th Test - Breaking News : Fred likely to miss out

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
- F Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Cric Info has claimed that Fred's performance in the nets on the eve of the match suggests that he is unfit for battle. I hope this is just scurrilous rumour but I fear the worst. My thoughts are with The Big Man.

There is some good news though. A veritable monsoon has engulfed London and it looks like Headingley will be submerged in water over-night and tomorrow morning. I would take a rain hampered draw in this test now.

The Flintstone will return for The Oval and win back The Ashes in his final test match. No other finale will do.

The Phoenix - follow me on Twitter now!

3rd Test - Day Five : Australia escape with a stalemate

Suddenly, as rare things will, it vanished.
- Robert Browning, To E. B. B.

Australia: 1st innings - 263 & 2nd innings - 375 -5; England: 1st innings - 376 : match drawn

What an anti-climax! Yesterday was a day of yearning; a day of frustration and longing. A day of unrequited hope. After anticipating going two nil up in the series and instead enduring the sight of the Aussies' own Great Escape, I needed a night's sleep to recover from the disappointment. The Singing Spinner and I made pilgrimage to the Walkabout in the hope of celebrating victory beyond enemy lines but our bowlers failed to capitalise upon our position and took just three wickets all day. The game petered out into an draw and we were left to ponder what might have been. On reflection, I am attempting to focus on our lead in the series. The morning after a test match is a time to look forward not back, especially with the forth test at Headingley starting on Friday. We are one nil up with two tests remaining and we would have certainly taken that at the beginning of the Ashes but the nagging concern remains that we will regret allowing the opportunity of victory at Edgbaston to slip away. Since The Aussies only need to draw the series to retain the urn, the series is now almost evenly poised as it enters its climax. There is no margin for error now. Looking back to yesterday morning, we begun with great momentum. Let's hope that we can take that spirit into Headingley. We should take pride in our performance over the three days. It is uncommon for The Baggy Green to celebrate a draw...

MORNING SESSION : ENGLAND SCENT VICTORY

Oz begun the day 25 runs behind with eight wickets in hand. The maths were simple. We needed to take the remaining Aussie wickets within sixty overs and then accrue the requisite runs in the remaining thirty overs of the day. Early inroads were crucial as we sought to knock over our opponents as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, we were unable to take a wicket until noon. Straight after the drinks break, Jimbo claimed the scalp of Watson for 53 with his first ball of the day. Brocko had chosen to open the day with Fred and the Bard and his decision had not been vindicated. Friedrich was unable to replicate his heroics of Lord's and Shakespeare was impotent with the ball not swinging. By the time our Marcel entered the fray just before 12.00, The Aussies had erased the deficit and were into a lead. Dr Comfort was also toothless - his magical ball that dismissed Punter the previous day looking more and more an aberration, an anomaly as opposed to the norm. Our hopes of victory were lifted at last when Anderson dismissed the surprisingly effective opener Shane and Clarke came to the crease. Pup has become one of the most prized Baggy Green wickets - if not the most sought after - but any batsman is vulnerable when he begins his innings. We were unable to remove the vice-captain before lunch but the largely ignored Broad dismissed 50 maker Hussey with a decent delivery fifteen minutes before the break to bring another new batsman - Marcus North aka Snorks - to the crease. We were on top. The Aussies' lead was just 59 and neither batsman was settled.

AFTERNOON SESSION : PUP AND SNORKS LEAD OZ TO SAFETY

Sometimes you can pin-point a single moment when possibility dies. You can tell by the expression on someone's face that they are not interested in you in that way or you know that a promise is about to be broken when you hear the phone ring. In this case, the potential for triumph ceded when Our Lord dropped Clarke off Bopara. We had toiled away for the opening hour of the afternoon when Strauss decided to throw Ravi the ball in desperation. The new ball was still over ten overs away and we needed a breakthrough. Tempting the Aussie batsman with a part-time bowler was a shrewd move; everything else had failed and an element of surprise was welcome. Pup and Snorks had racked up a 50 partnership and looked almost impenetrable. Nothing had happened for the seamers and our Swann was ineffective on a three day old pitch. Bopara ran into bowl in typically languid fashion and Clarke visibly relaxed at the crease. The Aussie captain in waiting soon edged a medium pace ball to Brocket but our skipper failed to hold onto the chance. It wasn't a dolly but it was a relatively straightforward chance. In order to win this series, we must capitalise on such moments rather than let them slip away.

Even if Strauss had taken the catch, a victory would still have been unlikely. North was well set and we were running out of time to bowl them out. We needed to leave ourselves enough overs to score the required number of runs and the overs were rapidly vanishing. But, the wicket of Clarke would have left us watching a contest rather than an excruciating impasse. The new ball enabled the Aussies to score freely and our bowlers looked no more threatening than they had with the old one. The wicket was flat and the cloud cover essential for swing bowling was still in absentia. Unsurprisingly, first Snorks and then Pup reached half centuries before tea as they took the game away from us. The Aussies reached the break with a lead of 180 on 293-4. We ended the afternoon session wicketless and listless. The chance of victory had gone.

EVENING SESSION : PLAY DRIFTS INTO FARCE

Just over 30 overs remained in the day but any conflict was already over. The Bullring had been silenced. The Singing Spinner and I watched the evening session in some reluctance. We were simply waiting for the test to be called off and deemed a draw. The players had long since lost their energy in the field and were going through the motions with no urgency whatsoever. Before we were granted salvation and freedom from the sight of Aussie celebrations, we had to endure the sight of North and Clarke racing towards centuries. We were informed that play could end with 15 overs to spare with a draw the only possible result but The Baggy Green were adamant that their two game-savers be rewarded with hundreds. Such a procession was galling to watch. We were spared this embarrassment when Broad claimed a wicket at 17.15 - our first for almost five hours. Westlife removed Snorks for 96 and North was denied his second century of the series. It was the finest moment of the day. As we neared the potential close of play and the overs ticked down, Straussy had elected to rest our front-line bowlers and bring Ravi back into the "attack" alongside The Nurdler. Bopara actually almost removed The Pup again as the batsman was caught on 96 but Ravi had over-stepped the line and the delivery was deemed a no ball. The delivery summed up our day and our test match - so near but yet so far. Clarke finished the match on 103*; he had led the Baggy Green to 375-5 and safety. We had taken just 3 wickets in the day. It had been a chastening experience.

Quote of the Day: The Eternal Optimist at 14.41 was still plotting victory - "Get Prior and Fred to open and blitz the run chase". Admirable sentiments. It’s a pity that the eerily silent Edgbaston crowd, not to mention Brocko and the lads, had already given up.

Ornithological Count: The solace of the day (other than Marcus missing out on his century). There were so many pigeons on the pitch it was impossible to count. Our feathered friends were not discouraged by our inability to force the win and perched on the outfield for most of the afternoon and evening. The brave grazed just behind the slips. One was even honoured by the SS1 cameras with a close-up shot. We all get our fifteen minutes of fame...

Barminess Barometer: 60% - Monday attracted fans from all corners of the globe - 3 Mexicans, 2 Mandarins, 2 Yokels in Farmer Jarvis hats, 1 Knight of the Realm - as well as a glorious menagerie including 1 cow, Snowy the Dog and Scooby Doo.

All eyes are now on the critical fourth test and Freddie's fitness. With Punter remarking that His Fredness is on a "downward spiral", there is now talk that Flintoff may not play at Headingley. The Big Man is obviously not 100% fit but I think he is more than worth the risk. Yesterday demonstrated that none of our other bowlers have the ability to win a match without conditions in their favour. And who could replace Sir Fred? The potential replacements are underwhelming. A half fit Friedrich is more menacing than a fully able Sideshow Bob or the mercurial GBH. Let's pray The Flintstone's knee holds out. There is no point saving him for The Oval. We must look to win The Ashes at Headingley.

3rd Test: Day Four - Victory in sight thanks to Sir Fred

All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
- Edgar Allen Poe, A Dream Within A Dream

Australia: 1st innings - 263 & 2nd innings - 88-2; England: 1st innings - 376 (day four, stumps)

Settling down for a marathon day of cricket after only 4 hours of sleep is not one of the wisest decisions I have ever made. Test cricket is a test for the viewers not just the players. In order to watch the game, you need to be able to concentrate and - above all - to be alert. If your eyes glaze over for a second, you may miss a wicket, a dropped catch or a sumptuous six. I dosed myself with caffeine and hoped for the best. I'm not sure how I am still awake now writing this to be honest. But human will is a powerful force. Just as Freddie battled through the pain to bludgeon us into a winning position this afternoon, I fought my yearning to sleep off my hangover throughout the day and, rather than napping, instead focused my bleary eyes on today's play. Having witnessed a bullfight in Shoreditch the night before, I was hoping for similar drama to stave off fatigue.

MORNING SESSION : AUSSIES SWING BACK

David Gower has become the bestower of bad news over the past few days but today he reclaimed his chipper air with the announcement that play was going to begin at noon. The delay of a single hour seemed nothing in comparison to the toils of the previous day. With the morning session set to last only an hour, we looked to Our Lord and The Lost Boy Sherm to solidify a bright start to our first innings and survive until lunch with their wickets intact. Unfortunately, Brocko maintained his curious habit of being unable to maintain his batting prowess when well set over-night by edging behind off Hilfenhaus after just half an hour. Belly at the other end had already endured another huge LBW appeal, this time off Sid. It looked plumb again. The umpires have clearly taken a liking to Ian Ronald. The Nurdler arrived at the crease and I anticipated a useful partnership. The ball was swinging around but I hoped that Colly's gritty determination would contemplate Bellbeforce's stroke-play and see us through. We still trailed the Aussies by over a hundred runs and needed some stability at the crease. Hilfenhaus, however, had other ideas. Benjamina is no Anderson but he was bowling very aggressively and unsettled Collingwood from the off. In the end, it was no surprise when the Hilfenmeister removed The Ginger Ninja with the penultimate ball before lunch. With 91 overs due to be played, there was a lot of cricket remaining in the day. We were 159-4 and we needed The Teeth to continue his bright form in the series and contribute with the willow once again.

AFTERNOON SESSION : FREDDIE ON FIRE

Prior and Bell trotted out to bat after lunch full of purpose and Belly reached his twentieth test 50 shortly after play resumed. In the ensuing minutes, I dreamt of The Sherminator marking his return to the test arena with a match defining century and silencing his critics forever. In fact got so carried away that I had to go upstairs to my room and have a ciggie to calm down. Just as I was regaining composure, the news of Sherm being dismissed LBW off MJ at last emanated from the TMS coverage streaming on my computer. We were now 168-5 and in some trouble. I tried not to wholly blame myself for Belly's demise - I was flagging after lunch and in need of a short screen break as well as a fag - and was soon invigorated by the sight of Friedrich bounding to the crease. The SS1 commentary team had been informing us of Fred's brilliance at Edgbaston all day - he averages 47 at the ground in tests which is astronomically higher than his test batting average which hovers around 30. The crowd audibly relished his arrival and the super Fred anthem rang around the pitch before he had even faced a ball. The Flintstone looked in the mood too as he exchanged verbals with MJ and started his innings defiantly, albeit a little scratchily as ever.

Freddie set out erasing the Australians' first innings lead as a matter of great urgency. It was glorious to watch. He and Prior racked up a 50 partnership from just 71 balls. Both batsmen were playing positive, attacking cricket but it was Flintoff who was the chief destroyer. The Teeth was removed for 41 and our latest wicketkeeper trudged off fuming after gifting Sid a wicket with a nothing shot. We were 257-6 and still six behind Oz with a sizable, quick lead a necessity given the game situation. Freddie took it upon himself once again to lead us to parity and beyond. He ensured that scores were level with a lazy six and then reached his 50. His Fredness was batting with a freedom we haven't seen for years. The run-rate for the session reached 7.18 as he and his new partner Broad laid into the Aussie attack. Our present and future all-rounders were toying with the Baggy Green with delightful disdain. Then, just as The Flintstone seemed destined for his sixth test century and his first test century since the 05 Ashes, disaster struck. The Legend was deceived by The Haur and nicked one off his gloves to slip. The fairytale innings was over. Flintoff departed to a standing ovation having scored a sensational 74 runs 0ff just 79 deliveries. We were back in top. In the context of the match, Fred's inability to reach a hundred is of no great significance but in his final Ashes series, it was cruel to see the great man denied a century. Maybe Fate is waiting for his final test at The Oval... We ended the session with Boyband and Marcel at the crease on 316-7 with a lead of 53 runs. The afternoon had been an outrageous display of bludgeoning batting - the extended two and a half hour session's run-rate had been 4.88 and all thanks to The Big Man.

EVENING SESSION : BLOOD IS IN THE AIR

At the beginning of the evening, Punter chose to take the new ball immediately. He clearly wanted to rattle through our tail as quickly as possible and prevent us from building a lead in excess of as hundred. This choice enabled us to accrue runs quickly as the new ball raced through the outfield. Dr Comfort batted assuredly for 20 off just 24 before he was removed by Sid playing a needless shot. The atmosphere in the middle was a feverous one and our Swann had been embroiled in some sledging alongside Westlife. England stated publicly before the test that they would target MJ and they haven't held back. Jimmy marched to the crease and quickly contributed some choice words of his own. His duckless streak continues and he played solidly for a few balls which enabled the Blonde Bombshell to score at the other end but Jimmy was ultimately out for just one. Broad was on 40 odd and sensed a maiden Ashes 50. Shakespeare acted as a perfect foil, blocking determinedly and watching on as his partner helped our lead past 100 and claimed his personal milestone off Hilfenhaus with a boundary. Stu was dismissed shortly afterwards for 55 by The Vicious One but The Blonde had batted superbly and the job on the batting front was done. We had secured a lead of 113. Now we needed quick wickets before the close of play. We had 31 overs to make inroads into the enemy lines.

Our bowling effort was a good one but nowhere near as devastating as our heroics on Friday. With Fred and Jimbo failing to deliver and the Aussie opening pair reaching an opening stand of 47, Brocko threw the ball to the Bard. Strauss' bowling change came off once again as The Kat edged behind and we had the break-though at last. Unfortunately, only one further wicket fell before the close of play but it was The Wicket. Our Marcel dismissed Ponting for just five with a wonderful delivery bowling the skipper through the gate with the final delivery of a menacing over. Cricket Tragic emerged on a king pair and Shakespeare almost inflicted the ultimate cricketing humiliation on the Hussler. But Onions' narrowly failed to hold onto a difficult caught and bowled chance and Mr Cricket survived to be not out over-night alongside maiden opener Watson. Australia will resume on 88-2 and 25 runs behind. There are only two results possible - a draw or an England victory - and only one I can entertain.

Quote of the Day: The Freddied Flintstone texting during the evening session - "When will the rain end?". He must have been Freddied. Or so cut off from the world that he was unaware of our change in fortune with the weather. Who knew it was so difficult to stay on the ball in Somerset?

Ornithological Count: Pigeons were in the house today! Really. At last the winged rats have returned. A plethora of pigeons settled on the outfield to watch His Fredness bat and only scarpered when one of his glorious cover drives came their way. Unless I hallucinated. That could well be a possibility.

Barminess Barometer: 75% - there was a profusion of political personalities in the house today. Blair. Thatcher. Barry O. The Chimp. And, the Queen. It was rumoured that Dave C was in the stands on Thursday so his fellow statesmen
obviously wanted to assert their own authority on Edgbaston and reclaim some adulation. Alongside these great and err far from great leaders, they were several pirates, eight Stormtroopers of Star Wars fame, one Tinman on the hunt for Dorothy, one David Gower doppelganger (I promise I definitely wasn't seeing double when I spotted DG II), a mullet brigade, a troupe of Fredalikes and someone dressed as a pot of mustard. Sexy...

I can't wait for the action to get under way tomorrow. I can't remember the last time we had such a good chance to go two nil up in an Ashes series. Don't less us down boys...

3rd Test : Day Three - A Waiting Game

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.
- Leo Tolstoy

I awoke with rain falling outside my window. This was a most portentous start to the day. I decided to have a cigarette before I got out of bed. It was well deserved. The prospect of undergoing the hardship of making myself some instant coffee and switching on Sky Sports News only to see the covers on at Edgbaston sans nicotine was an impossible one. Having procrastinated for as long as I could, I sloped downstairs and observed the inevitable. There had been rain over night in Birmingham; the ubiquitous covers greeted me with scorn and even Gower looked a little abashed. "The start of play has been delayed," he announced solemnly before recovering himself to smile and reveal that "the next inspection is at noon".

I was furious. It was patently clear that the chance of any play at all today was negligible at best but we were to kept in suspense. The decision would be a long one, drawn out so we had to keep our tv sets tuned to SS1. I had turned down many an offer to watch the cricket today and now Murdoch's minions - the commentary team included - were toying with us. And the umpires were in cahoots. What a liberty! Us poor, beleaguered viewers deserve much better treatment. Not to mention the supporters in the ground who had turned up on time and in suitable attire only to find a field devoid of players. The announcement that an early lunch was to be taken at 12.50 did not calm the mood. The morning session was a wash-out and again it was nocturnal rain to blame. Why are we playing an Ashes test match on a pitch without a proper drainage systems? It's absurd. No wonder test cricket is on death row. What followed was a series of pitch inspections over the course of the rest of the afternoon - at 13.30, 14.00 and 14.30. The outfield was closely monitored as the umpires assessed whether the pitch was safe for the fielding team. Rain fell at around two thirty to squash any possibility that the pitch might recover in the late afternoon and play was finally abandoned for the day at 14.40. In some quarters anyway. The Guardian over-by-over coverage was the first to announce the cessation of play. SS1 and TMS were withholding the information for as long as possible. It was shocking conduct.

I understand that being a cricket fan involves many sacrifices not least time but there is no need to test our levels of patience. We are no fools. We may like to dress up and drink and sing and swear and dance around like nobody is watching but hedonism is a philosophy not a sign-post for idiocy. We all knew that play was impossible today. Why not announce the news at the start of the day? The smurfs, superheroes and cowboys in the crowd were let down. The dudes dressed as Kings of Spain in honour of Gilo - the mugs made for his benefit season were misspellt and read King of Spain as opposed to King of Spin - were disrespected. Such behaviour from the authorities is threatening the future of the greatest form of the game, test cricket. It may have been daring - Mr Burns was in the crowd and he is not one to be crossed - but it was grossly misplaced. We were kept waiting in case there was a chance of the 26 overs which would have seen refunds of the supports in the ground rescinded. No other sport would treat its supporters in this way. We Barmies are a lovable bunch but we cannot be taken for granted forever. In every other country in the world test crowds are dwindling. It is folly to abuse the loyal.

I may have lost patience today but I soothed myself with watching The Arsenal in pre-season action and tried to focus on the positive - there is still time in this match. Yes, there is still sufficient time for us to go two nil up in this series and tomorrow I will sacrifice my day once again in the hope of watching some cricketing wonderment. Let's hope the inclement weather doesn't prevent a result. We are not expecting the sun to shine tomorrow and Monday but the disappearance of Noah's Ark esq torrents would be welcome. The Epicurean Eight and The rest of the Barmy Army deserve to be treated better by the ECB and by the weather gods. Be warned, Zeus. Be warned...We will not sit on our hands forever.

3rd Test : Day Two - Jekyll and Hyde England in the ascendancy

Human beings are the only animals of which I am thoroughly and cravenly afraid.
- George Bernard Shaw

Australia: 1st innings - 263; England: 1st innings - 116-2 (day two, stumps)

What a morning! After switching on the television with some trepidation, Onions and Anderson produced incredible individual performances to leave the Australians reeling. There was no need to question the players' attitude today. It was as if the test match began at the start of the day and yesterday had never happened. Some people say that debauched, drunken nights - nights when you black out - do not exist on waking because the memories are dead and England played like they had erased their memories this morning. Without the hangover, of course. I didn't even read the newspaper reports prior to the first ball because I didn't want to feed my apprehension but my concern was gloriously misplaced...

MORNING SESSION: SEVENTH HEAVEN

Shakespeare was a surprise choice to open the bowling. His three overs yesterday had gone for 21 runs and the wisdom of Brocket's decision to deviate from his trusted opening bowlers of Fred and Jimbo was immediately called into question by SS1's very own opening duo, Messrs Hussain and Atherton. Minutes later the commentators were silenced and I was whooping in my living room and punching the air as The Bard claimed two wickets with the first two balls of the day. He was on a hat-trick! On a hat-trick in the day's opening over! He trapped Watson LBW for 62 with utter disregard for the batsman's prowess the previous day and then bowled the Hussler for a golden duck when Cricket Tragic chose to leave a straight ball. We were a team reborn. The players descended upon The Medieval Face with unrestrained glee. The crowd was jubilant and roared Onions through his run-up as he faced Punter. The Aussie skipper was surprised by the bouncer that came his way but survived unscathed. Shakespeare may have missed out on the glory of a hat-trick but he completed his double wicket maiden in menacing fashion. We sensed blood. Our endurance of yesterday was rewarded in a single over. The members of the crowd who were yet to take their seats had missed high drama. Even the ever reserved Athers conceded that it had been a "remarkable" first over. The test match had swung our way for the first time.

It is an understatement to say that conditions were bowler friendly. They were optimum and capitalising on the assistance of cloud cover as quickly as possible was paramount. The Aussie batsman who begun the second over of the day would never have imagined doing so but the captain and vice-captain looked capable of riding out the maelstrom. Ponting became Oz' leading scorer in test cricket after nineteen minutes and I feared that he would celebrate his feat in style with a century. Punter was scoring freely and Brocket's field-placings were becoming increasingly frazzled and increasingly negative. The Bard then led us into dreamland - "we are such stuff as dreams are made on..." - tempting Ricky with a bouncer that he could only tickle behind to Prior. The Aussie we all love to hate the most, their skipper and their prize wicket was removed. His team were 163-4 and rocking.

With Freddie off key and Shakespeare in need of a partner crime, Strauss called upon a new hatchetman. The baby- faced assassin aka Jimbo The Leader of our Attack was introduced just before noon and he soon came to the fore. The ball was swinging and his first over - a maiden - was an ominous one. Our opponents were still going along well at almost 3.5 runs an over but wickets were in the offing. North took 23 minutes and 15 balls to get off the mark and the usually composed Clarke was uncomfortable at the other end too. It was not a morning to be a batsman. Onions and Anderson in tandem were rampant. The Medieval Face was relentless and twice almost ensnared the Pup. First, he had a big LBW appeal denied and then Fred dropped a chance in the slips. Jimmy allowed the Flintstone to laugh off a rare faux pas by deceiving Clarke with an inswinger twenty minutes before lunch. The vice-skip had added just ten more runs to his total. Debutant Manou strutted to the crease and got off the mark quickly but, with the Aussies in some turmoil, surviving through until lunch looked an achievement in itself. His partner at the other end, North, remained uneasy and with the ball swinging at will Marcus was removed by Anderson for just 12 with Prior taking a magnificent diving catch. The much mocked MJ then entered the action and, almost inevitably, was out LBW to Jimbo's first ball. It was absolutely plumb. Jimmy was now on a hat-trick too. It was sensational stuff. The hat-trick proved elusive but JA struck again a minute before lunch to remove their unheralded wicket-keeper. Anderson had claimed 4 scalps for 4 runs in thirteen deliveries. The Aussies had been annihilated and trudged off to lunch on 203-8. The session had seen 77 runs and 7 wickets. It was almost too much to take in. I was in shock. The test match had been turned on its head. And in some style.

AFTERNOON SESSION : ENGLAND PEGGED BACK

The afternoon's play was a little stale. It was always going to be hard to follow a session like this morning's magic and it was no huge surprise to see us regress. Given our staid post-lunch performances this series, I would query our choice of cuisine. And the ingredients of our tea... After the Bard and Jimmy show, we toiled for over an hour in the attempt to take the final two Aussie wickets. Broad was ineffectual and expensive (surprise, surprise...) and Fred failed to produce. The partners in crime had to return in order for the tail to be culled. Anderson struck first, removing The Vicious One at 14.10 with yet another devastating inswinger to claim his maiden Ashes five-for, and then Onions finished the job tempting the Hilfenmeister into slicing to Dr Comfort at gully. The Aussies were all out for 263. We could have scittled them out for 240 but our own Puppy had dropped a dolly off Onions and given Benjamina a reprieve. The number 11 went on to claim his highest test score. His runs could ultimately prove crucial in the outcome of the test. We must cut out sloppiness in the field. Ravinder has been casual in the field and at the crease all series (see below). He is on the brink of a return to the county scene.

Our innings begun with seventy minutes of play before tea and riding out the conditions was all important. The first over from the Aussies' new batting hero Hilfenhaus was a tame one but Sid removed our Chef for a duck in the next over. We were 2-1 and the nerves returned with a vengeance. The out of form Bopara arrived at the crease and KP's absence seemed to loom over us. The knowledge that Ian Ronald Bell could emerge at any minute was not a calming one. Our Lord, however, was playing masterfully and he guided Ravi through until the break. We were 56-1 and the loss of Cook had been neutered by some clever stroke play from both batsman. Our progress had been checked but we remained on top.

EVENING SESSION : STRAUSS LEADS THE WAY INTO THE PROMISED LAND

A English wicket after a break is like a nap after lunch. In other words, inevitable. (In civilised countries anyway*). Bopara was duly removed by Hilfenhaus for 23. Conditions had eased and it was a suicidal dismissal. He half played the shot and half blocked. A half-shot in test cricket will rarely go unpunished. Having played with much greater control than he had displayed at Lord's, it was a horribly disappointing end to Ravi's innings. His performance in the second innings here at Edgbaston should determine his fate as a Number 3 at international level. Belly bounded to the crease with boyish enthusiasm. It was great to see him back. I have missed his self-effacing charm. He started nervously and his running between the wickets was harrowing to watch but once he settled he looked more imposing than he ever had done in an England shirt. The six he hit down the ground off the Haur was sublime. It sailed straight back over the bowler's head with Pietersen esq panache. Incredibly - or unsurprisingly given our form in the shorter forms of the game - it was out first six of the series. Even Warne who the coined Bell's now infamous Sherminator moniker was impressed. Brocket was continuing to play aggressively at the other end and reached his 50 with aplomb.

The pair secured a 50 partnership off 89 balls and were well set until a rejuvenated Johnson emerged. It seemed to almost everyone in the ground that MJ had trapped Bellbeforce LBW with a delicious inswinger but umpire Rudi aka Barmy Army Impostor Extraordinaire gave Ian a reprieve. I was thrilled. I must confess that I relish in sporting injustices. If anyone deserves a second chance, it's Sherm. Plus I want to keep reading about Mitchell Johnson's mother and if MJ rediscovers his mojo she will no longer be rent a quote. Shortly after Rudi's ricket, bad light stopped play. We were offered the light and accepted it without question. We had ended the day with our wickets intact on 116-2 with Brocket sniffing another hundred on 64 not out and Bell still standing on 36 not out. We are 147 behind and a first innings lead beckons. Or it should do if the rain holds off. But today proves that, once again, England are reliable in their unreliability. Expect the unexpected tomorrow.

Quote of the Day 1: The Freddied Flintstone on not watching today's play - "On way to Somerset to look at wedding venues". Our favourite bachelor is behaving at last...

Quote of the Day 2: Profundity itself aka Mr Gower - "There is no fire without smoke".

Ornithological Count: Nada. Again. Even our Marcel was largely ignored. It may be time to cut our losses. Suggestions, please. All alternatives welcome.

Barminess Barometer: 40% - Graham Taylor was in the house. Do I not like that. The countless Just Williams, Beefy alikes, Moroccan hatted fellas, red indians, builders and err Frank Skinner himself eased the pain somewhat. It's Fancy Dress Saturday tomorrow - may the games begin...

*For some reason, my campaign to introduce siestas in England is yet to come to fruition. Do let me know if you want to contribute to the cause. Cash donations are accepted.

3rd Test : Day One - Sitting, Waiting, Cursing

How much of human life is lost in waiting.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Australia: 1st innings - 126-1 (day one, stumps)

Today was a bathetic occasion. The first day of a test match is meant to be a tremulous one. It usually gives birth to many of the nuances of the narrative that pan out over the course of five days but we only observed thirty overs. Play wasn't blighted by the weather. It was massacred. The cricket I experienced this afternoon when play finally got under way at 17.00 was bathed in a different hue. The atmosphere was a curious one. It certainly seemed like we were playing "just another test team" from the way we fielded - they players were quiet, pedestrian and enervated. It didn't look like we were competing to regain The Ashes...

As soon as I woke up this morning in a somewhat fuzzy state, things didn't feel quite right. Having bit adieu to Soho for a few days, I was eager to immerse myself in my cricketing cocoon once again but the thrilling news that Hughes had been cast aside was undermined by mutterings about the elements. It was infuriating. It wasn't raining in Birmingham when I switched on Sky Sports News this morning. In fact, it didn't rain at Edgbaston today at all. But, the torrential rain earlier in the week had waterlogged the ground and rendered the outfield unplayable. Apparently the bowlers run-ups would also have been disrupted. There was pitch inspection after pitch inspection throughout the day. The intervals gave me windows in which to get dressed, have a ciggie, go for a walk to buy provisions and so on but I was still thoroughly unamused. I hadn't anticipated being unleashed. Every time I returned home in anticipation of play beginning. Every time I returned and switched on the TV just in time to see Rudi and Nass out on the field with grave expressions. I didn't need to listen to their apologias. Deconstructing the ins and outs of the situation was a painful, thankless process.

I may have claimed to have learned patience through watching cricket but you can't be virtuous every day. I consoled myself with Eastenders and Peep Show and One Tree Hill and tried to stay calm. As the afternoon progressed and pitch inspections occurred with greater regularity, I was chained to my TV. Episodes were my only solace as I had to keep flicking back to Sky Sports One at intervals of half an hour. Or so it seemed. Hours may have passed. They must have done. But I was fidgety. The players took an early lunch but that was a false hope. The inspection post lunch at 14.00 also yielded nothing. I had pretty much given up on any cricket whatsoever being played today when whispers started that the test would begin at last at 17.00. I decided against watching the toss - it was an exciting moment in Enders and I was convinced if I flicked back to SS1 once more time I would jinx the prospect of any action. It was with some disbelief that I watched the players emerge on cue at five to open proceedings.

EVENING SESSION : ADVANTAGE OZ AS BOWLERS FLOUNDER

Punter won the toss and chose to bat. Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, he didn't elect to echo his infamous decision at Edgbaston in 05 and give us the chance to accrue a large first innings total. Nevertheless, we were hopeful of gaining an early wicket with a maiden opening pair at the crease. Watson was a walking wicket; as Athers said, "he's a natural Number 6". As Jimmy opened the bowling the news came through that Gilchrist II had injured is hand in the warm-up after the Baggy Green had submitted their team sheet. By law, they couldn't replace him but the England management team decided that we would allow them to call upon Graham Manou, the wicket keeper in reserve. A sporting gesture which we may live to rue. Why enforce rules which will always be broken in practice? Then again, all laws are there to be flouted...

The allotted thirty overs passed without great incident. The waiting was over but the England we had waited for didn't turn up. The team of Lord's was replaced with an insipid, sluggish model. All the seamers failed to make inroads and the partnership of Kat and Watson quickly became the Aussies' best opening stand of the summer. They were scoring at an alarming rate of over four an over almost from the off. With Fred bowling too short and Jimbo too wide, we looked to Boyband and Shakespeare to deliver but they were toothless. A few limp, half-hearted appeals ensued before Brocko introduced our Marcel into the attack. With Oz on the verge of racking up 100 runs so early in the match, Dr Comfort made the breakthrough trapping the Kat LBW for 46 off just 48 balls. There was over half an hour of the session remaining to claim another wicket and get back on top. Punter, however, was a man on a mission. His introduction didn't slow the run rate and he reached 20,000 first class runs within minutes of coming to the crease. The under pressure Watson at the other end was in the zone playing a classic one day innings. Shane reached his 50 off 89 in a nonchalant manner. The prematch talk has certainly not affected him. The pair peppered the boundary until close reaching 126-1 from just 30 overs. It had been a lifeless, forgettable few hours of play from England apart from Swann's moment of class. Was that worth waiting for? Absolutely.

Quote of the Day: Rev Simpkins : on Satan - "Here was a man in cricket whites / Who tempted Jesus for 40 long nights / A bat at his side, sipping at tea / He raised a finger and he beckoned to me" [Lucifer Rag]

Ornithological Count: The biggest birdcall of the series. Prodigy take a bow. He tweeted the news of his fall from favour and became the first cricketer to do so. My ears were pricked. But, it proved to be a false dawn. The mid morning fire alarm silenced our feathered friends for the rest of the day. The siren had been loud enough for Messrs Gower, Hussain & Atherton to bolt from their seats and forced SS1 into an impromptu ad break so you can hardly blame the winged creatures for scarpering...

Barminess Barometer: To infinity and beyond. The vast majority of the 21,000 strong Brummie crowd stayed in the ground until play began. They sat watching an empty field for six hours. Six hours. They provided more entertainment than Team England (sic) ever could. They waited in splendour - most dressed as superheroes, Flintstones and the like and all supping beer and singing . Respec'!

All I want tomorrow is a full day's cricket. That isn't too much to ask for ... is it?

3rd Test : Breaking News : Prodigy Hughes dropped as talk turns supernatural

It takes a long time to become young
- Pablo Picasso

The news that the Aussies have mercilessly dismissed The Prodigy from their ranks this morning is an exciting portent. Our opponents are clearly in some discomfort. The move cannot simply be seen as the ruthless but correct decision and glossed over because they have no obvious direct replacement in their squad. The Baggy Green showed their confidence in their batting line-up before the series by electing to select only perma injured all-rounder Shane Watson as cover. Shane may open the batting with some aplomb in one day cricket but his record as an opener in the longer form of the game is a shoddy one. This leaves Punter with a selection puzzle - take a punt on Watson or move another batsman, most likely Hussey, up the order to open alongside The Kat? By choosing to disrupt their batting order, they have conceded that they need to strengthen and negated the advantage they had over us. KP's injury has forced us to alter our own batting line-up but that was an enforced change. Both teams now begin this test match with new personnel and some anxiety. But with Freddie passing his fitness test, we have the upper hand.

Our Lord has sought to maintain momentum from our victory at Lord's by claiming that Australia have lost their aura pre-match. Brocko has said that the absence of the greats like Warne, McGrath and Gilchrist has made him feel that this series has been like "playing against just any other test team" which is tantamount to cricketing blasphemy. Ponting has retorted that our captain didn't say that after Cardiff. After the Aussie Cricket Board asked their players to refrain from sledging in this series, the shackles are off. The intensity of this series has just been upped a degree or two. Both captains acknowledge that the result at Edgbaston will be decisive and are eager to deliver psychological punches. Punter reminded us that we are fifth in the world in the test rankings and claimed that consequently we have no aura ourselves. The animosity between the skippers has become tangible.

Brocko has emerged victorious from the build up bout. It seems ridiculous that a single word has dominated the pre-match warfare but an aura - the air of infallibility that all sportsman crave - was once synonymous with Australia and its loss is a damning indictment of their latest team. In this post Warne era, the Baggy Green have been slow to acknowledge their decline. Ponting has attempted to mask their visible fall from greatness by refraining from talking about the absences in his side. Strauss has forced him to confront the truth. Ponting's response was a futile one. England have no aura to lose. There is no absence to mourn. Even in 05 we were the underdogs. We are the nation that created cricket and then looked on as our pupils reigned supreme, giving us lesson after lesson in the art of the game. The beauty of this plight is that we are never burdened by expectation and can play with freedom. In every Ashes series, we start as the outsiders. We may be in one nil up in the series now but many people still watch in disbelief each time we succeed.

The teams are now gridlocked in the lightness and weight debate. Is it better to be weighed down by the search for an aura or to float unshackled? Do Australia have the advantage because of the weight of their history or are we the beneficiaries of the absence of hope? This notion extends beyond sport of course. Many of us spend our lives grappling with lightness and weight - is it better to have too much responsibility or too little? Is it better to have too much time on your hands or not enough? Is it better to love too much or protect your heart? This conundrum is one that cannot be answered but it is most certainly going to be a useful distraction in the rain breaks that look imminent.

I hope that the rain stays away. Mind games are wonderful but after a ten day break I just can't wait for this test match to begin. The question marks over both sides will guarantee a fractious start. Come on England!

3rd Test : The Countdown: For Whom The Bell Tolls

I never was hard or self-sufficient enough. Soft people, soft people have got to court the favour of hard ones.
- Tennessee Williams, A Streetcar Named Desire

Second chances are a rarity in international sport. Failure is seldom rewarded with anything other than a permanent farewell. But, there are some men and women that confound that fate. It may be an injury or a suspension that enables them to return. In other words, by default. But, whether through coincidence or providence, these athletes are blessed with a new start, a new chapter, a second act in their careers. Fitzgerald was wrong when he said “there are no second acts in [human] lives”. The Third Test sees the much maligned Ian Bell begin anew. The stage is set for The Sherminator to reintroduce himself to the cricketing world.

Bell has suffered from enduring the career path of the prodigy. Ever since he was a teenager, the batsman was earmarked as a Future England Captain and he is yet to shake that albatross from his shoulders. He is an unassuming young man and such expectations have acted as a crippling burden. He burst into the national side against the West Indies in 2004 and started the 05 Ashes with a ridiculous average of 297 having excelled against the might of Bangladesh. However, Belly averaged only 17.10 against the Aussies in 05 and, despite producing in the interim series against Pakistan, also suffered in our Whitewash in 06/07. He recovered to become one of the Wisden Cricketers of the Year in 2008 but the Warwickshire batsman has been unable to shack off the nearly man moniker. He is seen as a bloke who is unable to convert fifties into hundreds and his much lamented lack of mental fortitude was epitomised by his dismissal on 199 against South Africa at Lord's last summer. It was no surprise that it was The Sherminator who was the scapegoat after our capitulation in Jamaica in February. His removal was labelled the catalyst for our 51 all out collapse and he was dismissed from the test side.

It is the gulf between Bell’s talent and application that is most galling for England fans, the management and, most of all, the man himself. His test average is a respectable 40.59 but he has long been acknowledged as the most naturally talented batsman in the team. Yes, including Pietersen. Bell should be delivering 100s consistently and averaging much nearer 50 but he has never fulfilled his promise. This frustration has led to character assassination upon character assassination. The Sherminator has been chided for his lack of passion, his vacant eyes, his boyishness, his lack of stature at the crease etc. When he was dropped earlier this year, the selectors called for him to show more "hunger". Ian has duly spoken of his "hunger" at any and every opportunity. I have found this whole process a futile one. There is no use throwing Sherm a script and anticipating a transformation. People essentially do not change. We can be divided into “the hard” and “the soft”. Some characters, like Bell, will always be "soft" regardless of whatever lengths they go to reconfigure themselves. He will always be a "soft" man devoid of a protective "hard" shell and will never be able to manifest his passion like a KP. This does not mean that Belly doesn't care.

"Soft" characters have to be indulged in some ways. They need attention, to feel loved, yet without imposition, without pressure. In other words, unconditional affection. Michael Vaughan actually once saw this need in Pietersen at the beginning of his career. KP and Bell are not entirely dissimilar. The problem for The Sherminator isn't that he hasn't developed a hard shield like Kevin but that he hasn't accepted his fate. Ian is railing against nature. He is too simple a character to conceal his softness. When he was shown boxing on the beach in Windies on Sky Sports News in Spring it was a tragicomic scene. Bell the Boxer is an incredulous image. He would do better to align with the "hard" men and embrace his need for protection. As we have seen throughout this series, partnerships of opposites work well. Cricket remains a team sport and individuals can prosper in favourable environments. Belly and KP have always worked well together because, on the outside at least, they are poles apart. Now we await to see if Kevin's bessie mate Bopara can protect Bell and the pair can compliment each other and lead the team to glory.

The Second Act of The Sherminator will be an intriguing one. Ian has become a contentious figure and there is fury in some quarters that he has been given this chance at all. Many are wary of using him as a direct replacement for KP and batting him at no. 4 because Bell's batting average increases exponentially the lower down the order he bats. Some have called for Colly to be promoted to no. 4 with Bellbeforce at no.5. But, Our Lord has made the correct decision by showing his faith in Sherm and electing to play him at No. 4. If Bell realises this confidence and believes in himself, we have nothing to worry about. In total, Ian averages 25 in 10 tests against the Baggy Green. Things can only get better.

In response to my reader who claimed that "we're still gonna lose the Ashes", I'd like to ask them to elaborate on their pessimism. We didn't "get lucky" at Lord's. We outplayed the Aussies across the five days with sterling performances from several members of the team not just His Fredness. You claim that "our victory don't mean shit". Would you rather be one nil down in the series and in disarray? The Australian bowling attack, with the exception of da Hilfenmesiter, looks limp and lifeless. The curious case of Mitchell Johnson is farcical. MJ's mum is being blamed for his loss of form and leaving Oz' ownership of the urn in jeopardy. Only Down Under... We may have lost KP but their batting line-up outside Punter and Pup is far from intimidating. Hughes is a walking wicket, The Kat is no superstar and North is ordinary.

The series, like Bell, is at a cross-roads now. This is the most important test of The Ashes. Let's get behind the team.

2nd Test : The Fall Out - Time for Heroes

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
- Elizabeth Bishop, One Art

The veil of victory is a blessed one. It is a carapace shielding us from all other news; a vacuum from the minutiae of everyday life. But it is a fragile one. And, with the announcement that Kevin Pietersen is going to miss the rest of The Ashes series, our blissful bubble has been punctured once again. Our greatest player may have been lacklustre at Lord's but I had hoped that ten days' rest would have enabled him to recover form and fitness for the third test at Edgbaston. His performance at HQ was clearly blighted by his injury but the question remains - is a half fit KP better than our alternative batsmen?

Kevin is indisputably our best player. He is the only current English international with an average hovering on the 50 mark and he is the totem of our batting line-up. He has played 54 consecutive test matches since his debut. It is a remarkable run and indicative of his unique talent and almost instant integral status in the team. But this has been an annus horribilis for Kevin. The loss of the captaincy in January was followed by the first murmurs of discomfort in his ankle in the Caribbean and he has suffered his first loss of form since coming into the team. His average has not fallen significantly but his air of infallibility has evaporated.

The KP that has played in this Ashes series has looked a troubled one - a shadow of the bleached blingtastic boy of four years ago. His performance and demeanour at The Home of Cricket mean that he should have never have been selected for the second test. His batting was hampered as his mind had gone; the freedom that characterises his innings absent and replaced by panic. The injections may have satiated the pain somewhat but they had been unable to silence a new unfamiliar animal, Doubt. He was unable to run between the wickets properly and so he was incapable off getting of strike and rotating the pressure. This led directly to his dismissal in the second innings. In corollary, he was a futile presence in the field as the pain in ankle rendered running a huge effort and he constantly went off the field for treatment. With Freddie leaving the pitch for medical attention too, we saw an unprecedented number of twelfth men. It was a farce.

Some have sought to point fingers in anger. Most blame the ECB for Pietersen's injury. They believe their insistence that the ankle could be managed was a foolish one. However, I believe that their are several culpable characters in Kevin's demise : the man himself, his old nemesis Peter Moores and the ECB. I believe that The Achilles trouble stems from the stress of the events in January that threatened the reputations of all involved and led to KP's "resigning" from the captaincy and Moores being sacked as coach. Pietersen joined the team in The Caribbean straight after the debacle when it might have been sensible for him to take a break and take stock. He has admitted that the punishing running schedule he set himself whilst on tour in the West Indies exacerbated the injury. These runs were ironically detrimental to his fitness and were an act of self laceration. In the isolation of a long tour far away from home comforts aka The King's Road and his waggle Jessica, he sought to calm his mind by pounding his body. This was the ultimate masochistic act. The act of a disturbed sportsman. A man on the brink.

We hoped that through victory in this series Kevin's demons could be silenced but he has been denied the opportunity for public salvation. As he nurses himself back to health on the sofa, I hope that he finds solace in the progress of our team. FIGJAM never wanted to be a member of a one man team; the inferiority of his team-mates drove him to distraction and contributed to him risking the captaincy in the hope of securing regime change. Now, they can go on and win The Ashes without him. The departure of Moores has been the catalyst in an upsurge in the team's fortunes. Pietersen, unwillingly perhaps, has ultimately sacrificed himself for the good of the team.

On reflection, the news that KP is out for the rest of the series is a relief. It is a release from the notion that we are a one man batting band and time for the rest of our willow wackers to come out from the wings. I'm uncertain Mr Bell is the answer but it is time for messrs Cook and Bopara to announce themselves on The Ashes stage. Our batsmen are understudies no longer.

2nd Test : Day Five - History made as England triumph

There is a great man who makes every man feel small. But the real great man is the man who makes every man feel great.
- G. K. Chesterton

England 425 & 311-6 dec beat Australia 215 & 406

I am still in shock. We have beaten the Aussies at Lord's for the first time in 75 years. And, in the end, our victory came with some ease. Who do we have to thank for such unexpected delights? Andrew Flintoff. Of course.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Fred carried the team on his shoulders into the promised land of victory at The Home of Cricket yesterday. The fairytale I forecast came to fruition in sumptuous style. In his final test match at HQ, the all-rounder produced one of his finest displays of bowling in an England jersey with his first five-for at Lord's to secure the history making win. As play started, all eyes were on Friedrich; he seemed to metamorphose before the crowd as if he had been drinking from a curious bottle in Alice's Wonderland - "She drinks of the bottle and she starts getting bigger and bigger and bigger until she doesn’t fit in the house anymore". Fred filled the ground and the stage was set.

MORNING SESSION : HOODOO LIFTED BY THE HAND OF FRED

On the eve of the fifth day, the atmosphere at Lord's was one of eerie tension; the silence was deafening and relentless as people scuttled to their seats in grim anticipation. When Clive Radley rung the bell to signal that were just five minutes left before the start of play, the hush was lifted. Brocko led his team onto the field and the crowd clapped as loudly as cricketing etiquette permits. Jimmy opened the bowling with a maiden from the Nursery End and then the moment came. Freddie came onto bowl from the Pavilion End and begun as potently as we had ever seen him bowl. His knee injury seemed a mirage as he struck with his fourth ball of the over as Gilchrist II edged to Colly at slip. Haddin was finally removed; the impenetrable partnership had been broken. We were into their tail and we were on the verge of victory, at last. With a single delivery, our Flintstone dispelled all doubt in the crowd. He stood erect, arms by his sides, as his team-mates engulfed him. The message was clear - I am all you need. I am the Man. I am proof that a win is attainable.

The nation's favourite Flintstone secured the history making win almost single handedly but plaudits must also go to Dr Comfort. I was calling for Marcel to be brought onto bowl for over half an hour before the Captain threw him the ball just before noon. In his opening over, our Swann bowled the Pup, the Aussies' last batsman standing, with his second ball of the day and roared away in celebration. The tail was truly exposed now. Shortly after play resumed, Friedrich completely deceived the Haur with an almost unplayble delivery and the non-spinning spinner was dismissed for a single run. Fred raised his arms in triumph as the crowd let loose in relief. Glory was inevitable now.

We watched in awe as The Flintstone continued to hurl himself at the beleaguered Aussies. My companions in the crowd were astonished that The Big Man was continuing his spell beyond the now customary seven overs but, though his body was clearly aching now, he persevered in search for a final wicket, a fifth wicket to silence the critics who claim he hasn't claimed enough five wicket hauls in his career and to write his name on the Honours Board as a bowler on his final attempt. "Get Siddle on strike," I muttered to The Eternal Optimist. The Vicious one is a tryer but no master with the willow. After a no ball, Fred's eighth and, seemingly final over at HQ, was extended by another ball. He charged in and castled the befuddled batsmen. Lord's was alight; all proper conduct forgotten as we erupted to salute our hero. Flintoff got down one one knee, genuflecting to his flock. He was on the honours board as a bowler at last. His team-mates surged upon him once more. Cricket may be seen in some circles as a team game but it is one which is decided by individual brilliance. Fred doffed his sun-hat to the crowd as he retreated into the field. The noise was ceaseless.

We were drunk on the fairytale of Flintoff's flamboyant farewell. We awaited the final wicket in excited expectation now. Johnson reached his 50 but nobody seemed to notice. Marcel returned to the attack and bowled MJ for 63. Australia were all out for 406. We had completed the demolition before lunch. What a morning! What a performance from Freddie! What a turn-around from Cardiff! Having been on the brink of defeat at Swalec, we were now one nil up in the series. The post-match ceremony was keenly observed by the 25,000 capacity crowd as the Flintstone duly picked up his man of the match award and the captains deconstructed the narrative of the past five days. Strauss' curious decision not to enforce the follow on can now be consigned to history. The Urn is now, whisper it, within reach.

Quote of the Day: The Novice - "I just switched on to see us win but it's all over. What happened?". Having been informed that we were on the verge of triumph and told to switch on the TV, our rookie was not quick enough to witness our heroics. That will teach her for labelling cricket a slow game.

Ornithological Count: Freddie in flight more than satiated our appetite for winged wonders.

Barminess Barometer: 200% - Who could ever have imagined a Lord's crowd behaving like they did yesterday? It most uncouth. Standing up and jumping with unfettered joy was daring enough but the cheering that accompanied Flintoff's mastery was truly radical. Wild. Unprecedented. Brilliant.

I'd like to pay tribute to Marcel who excelled yesterday alongside our talisman. His dismissal of the Hussler on Sunday has been called into question - replays suggest that the batsman didn't hit the ball - but his second innings figures of 4 for 87 were terrific and suggest that his Cardiff woes were an aberration. Our bowling attack looks in its best shape for some time. The seamers compliment each other well and in our Swann we have a spinner with menace from both ball and bat. Our batting line-up remains something of a concern, however. Bopara at No. 3 has been unable to settle which has exposed our middle order batsman too early.

We have taken the lead in a home Ashes series but questions remain. First and foremost, will the titans Freddie and KP be fit for the next test? Will Ravinder deliver? Have we have curbed our appetite for self destruction?

But, for now, let's rejoice in our success and give thanks to His Fredness. A Lion. A Larrikin. A Legend.