4th Test - Day Two : All over bar the grumbling - Aussies all but square the series

I like a look of agony,
Because I know it’s true;
- Emily Dickinson

England: 1st innings 102 & 2nd innings - 82-5 ; Australia: 1st innings 445

Avert your eyes! If you found the activity that passed for cricket on Friday atrocious then please don't read on. Spare yourself. Today's play was toxicity itself. Reliving it now is making me shake with rage. If you thought our performance couldn't get any worse, then you were very much mistaken...

MORNING SESSION : DISGRACE CONTINUES APACE

Only a single wicket fell in the morning session. The Bearded Lady and I observed the scene in disgust. I am beginning to run out of negative adjectives to describe our perilous play. I am a proud pessimist but even I am flummoxed by our sheer, unadulterated shoddiness. It was torture once again. By the time Shakespeare denied Pup a richly deserved century twelve minutes before lunch, the Aussies had raced to 303-5. Our bowling had been universally appalling - wide and short yet again - and horribly expensive. Clarke and North re-enacted their mastery of Monday with ease. Their glorious reprisal was largely unthreatened. Strauss was forced to chuck the ball to Marcel just before noon because our seamers were so toothless. The Aussies peppered the boundary passing milestone upon milestone effortlessly. They moved from a 50 partnership to an 100 partnership via the vice skip's half century and Snorks picked up his own 50 just before the pair passed an 150 run stand. When Onions trapped Pup LBW for 93 it only served to demonstrate the naiveté of Brocket's captaincy. The Lord's decision to ignore The Bard first up was mystifying. North and his new partner Gilchrist II reached lunch with their wickets intact. Oz were 306-5 and in almost lazy, resplendent control. We were on the road to nowhere.

AFTERNOON SESSION : AUSSIES MAUL AND MOCK OUR FALLEN TROOPS

I returned to the television with reluctance. I feared the Aussie onslaught would roll on and on and on. The new ball was due in three overs but I was not overly invigorated by its imminence. Our bowlers had been so tame and so sluggish and so disengaged, I couldn't envision how they could reconfigure themselves to prosper with the new ball. But GBH capitalised on the opportunity and removed Haddin for just six. I allowed myself to dream once again. Oz were 323-6 and knocking them over for 350 was within reach. The containment plan was alive. Reducing the Baggies to a lead of 248 runs was a very real possibility. Or so we foolishly hoped. Snorks and MJ combined for an exhilarating partnership of 51 runs off just 78 balls and beyond. The Blonde finally dismissed Emo for 27 with Oz into a lead of 291 at 393-7. The Loife struck again next ball removing Sid for a duck but the Oz tail wasn't silenced yet. No. 10 batsman Mr Reliable combined with North to see the Aussie lead across the 300 mark. Marcus reached his third test century with a flourish - a six off Dr Discomfort - and Clark batted furiously at the other end flashing sixes of his own. The batsmen were toying with our bowlers. One Reliable six ended up in the media toilets. I will not descend to expletive ridden bile. I will leave you to work out the pathetic fallacy... "This is embarrassing," fumed Beef. One over off Broad went for sixteen but he came back to dismiss both Clark and The Hilfenmesiter to reach career best figures of 6-91 and end the Aussie innings at last. Boyband's largely undeserved maiden Ashes five for was the only spark in the darkness. Oz were 445 all out with a lead of 338. An innings defeat was a grim procession in the making.

EVENING SESSION : HORROR SHOW

I almost can't bring myself to write about what happened. To describe our demise is to accept it's reality. I am still bristling with denial. But I will persevere. I am aware that the waking nightmare will not diminish until I lose consciousness - "To sleep: perchance to dream"... Let my invective unfurl and hasten sleep. With excruciating inevitability, we collapsed once Brocket was bowled by Benjamina LBW for 32. The Chef and Cook had racked up another opening stand of fifty odd but that solidity was undermined by the catastrophe that followed. We lost five wickets in the final hour of the day. Bopara followed Strauss back to the hutch the very next ball. Ravinder's golden duck was no surprise but it was a horrifying moment. The fall of two wickets was a portent of culls to come - a cluster of chaos was about to ensue. Sure enough, The Lost Boy was a victim to the reappearance of MJ's mojo and departed for just 3. A reborn Emo then removed both The Nurdler and The Chef for 4 and 30 runs respectively. Night-watchman Anderson had failed to do his job and exposed Cooky to the strike to dire circumstances. It was farcical. We had lost all logic. Chaos reigned as we almost lost a sixth wicket in the final over but Snorks dropped a catch in the slips. It was a mercy drop. We reached stumps a hideous 82-5 trailing by 261 runs. We are on the verge of one of the most humiliating innings defeats in our history.

"There are no positives" proclaimed Boycott.

Quote of the Day : The reliably phlegmatic Singing Spinner gets tough and warns captain Brock - "Unmitigated disaster is not a phrase I use regularly...". Brocket! Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Ornithological Count: 4 Toucan birds observed proceedings unfazed. Marvellous.

Barminess Barometer: 99% - it was fancy dress Saturday at Headingley and the Barmy Army, unlike our players, produced in some style. The unspoken theme was drag divas through the ages. Cricket fans are very confident in their masculinity and embrace their feminine side absolutely. Highlights included 4 Egyptian sphinxes, 1 Swiss cow girl, 5 nuns, 1 bikini clad beauty with a bear sized wig (Her/his humongous hair obscured the view of the members of the crowd behind him. They were in luck!), several beauteous Susan Boyles, countless old Noras and Marilyn Monroe. The wig sellers of Leeds must be dancing. Recession? What recession?! It actually became difficult to differentiate between the drag show and the female members of the crowd. Shocking pink lipstick was everywhere...

3 cows were also in the crowd alongside the ubiquitous Scooby, Kanga and Roo, Nasser's twin, a fearsome gorilla, two clowns, 5 Marcel Marceau lookalikes, Banana Man and 1 dead ringer for Bumble with an even larger hooter. Scintillating stuff.

I hope tomorrow morning is short and sour. I can't cope with much more of this.