4th Test - Day Three : Hope fades as Australia seize victory and momentum in the quest for the urn

Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
- T. S. Eliot

Australia 445 beat England 102 & 263 by an innings & 80 runs

I am still recovering from the shock of that shambolic performance. It's a One Test Series now. Yesterday's defeat means that we now need to be victorious at The Oval to win The Ashes. The urn hasn't looked more elusive all summer. Our display at Headingley was horrifying; the batsman and the bowlers united in eptitude and belief notable only in its absence. But the news that Freddie is set to play in the fifth test has at least given us a fillip after the disastrous third test. I don't want to dwell too much on what happened. Our diabolical first morning rendered the rest of the test redundant. We were brutally beaten in the opening two hours on Friday. Our tail delayed the inevitable admirably but still couldn't hide our incompetence...

MORNING SESSION : TAIL WAGS TO GIVE US SOME CHEER AT LAST

We started the day expecting play to be over by lunch. Jimbo was duly dismissed by The Hilfenmeister with the third ball of the day to bring Boyband to the crease alongside The Teeth. Prior had been dropped by Snorks the previous day and I expected this reprieve to be short-lived. However, we managed to reach 100 runs and after half an hour succeeded in avoideing suffering the heaviest defeat in our history. In 1973 we lost by an innings and 226 runs to the Windies at Lord's. It's important to remember that as dire as we played in this test, things have been even worse. Who would choose to be an England cricket fan eh?! Our wicketkeeper fell for 22 off 29 to leave us rocking on 120-7 but his attacking stroke play had set the tone for a thoroughly entertaining morning. Westlife and his new partner Marcel batted in swashbuckling ODI fashion and peppered the boundary with glorious ease. The Blonde smashed four 4s off Clark in a single over to reek revenge in their personal duel and Broad raced to a half century in just fourty-two balls. The pair were toying with a frustrated Aussie bowling attack and remarkably celebrated an hundred partnership off just seventy three deliveries. Unfortunately, Stuart was removed by Sid for 61 just before lunch to end any hope of us avoiding an innings defeat. It was a relief to see England rediscover some swagger and fight but it was too little too late. Dr Comfort recorded his own bristling half century just before lunch and we reached the break 245-8 and trailing by 163 runs. Our run-rate of 6.79 and our exquisite stroke play made me question our batsman even more. How had they all failed to produce on such a benign surface? "We should reverse the batting line up and move the bowlers up the order," mused Beefy. He was only half joking.

AFTERNOON SESSION : AUSSIES CLINCH THE MOST RESOUNDING OF VICTORIES

The afternoon session was not a long one. Swann soon departed for a test best score of 62 as MJ continued his reinvention with his fourth wicket of the innings and then Onions was dismissed for a duck as Emo cemented his return to form with figures of 5-69 and a place on the honours board. We were 263 all out. The misery was over at last. At the obscene hour of 14.04 on the third day of the test, The Aussies had won by an innings and 80 runs. Our exhibition of incompetence was silenced. We had been outplayed, out-thought and out-fought.

The series is now all square at 1-1. Our grasp on the urn has slipped away.

Infuriating Quote of the Day 1: Brocko - "We didn't turn up". Utterly unacceptable explanation. How can a team not turn up for the biggest test match of their lives? We could have regained the urn at Headingley. It was cowardice for Strauss to hide behind a cliché. His words were empty. We, the Barmies, deserve better.

Infuriating Quote of the Day 2: Punter - "Everything is heading in our direction". Can someone please silence this man? Smuggery incarnate.

Ornithological Count: The birds were in absentia. Lucky for some.

Barminess Barometer: 50% - the crowd were as colourful as one could expect on such day. Losing a test inside three days is diabolical and even the Barmies couldn't totally conceal their contempt. Nevertheless some of the fans sparkled amidst the gloom; 5 clowns, 3 crusaders and 3 glorious dudes in drag, in particular, were a source of solace.

We need an oval-shaped miracle. The pendulum of victory is swinging inexorably away from us but with Fred in the team there is always a chance...