4th Test - Day One : Aussies seize the initiative as noxious England flounder (part two)

Fear and Hope — those are the names of the two great passions which rule the race of man
- William Morris, Signs of Change

England : 1st innings 102; Australia : 1st innings 196-4 (day one, stumps)

It is hard to rake over such a demise. Sometimes deconstruction is redundant. Pain overwhelms and words depart. But I will try my best. Perhaps writing will act as succour. My warblings as the first day progressed were recorded on twitter and read back like a lamentation. I can't promise the following will be any less mournful but I will not apologise. Even if I didn't don my lucky cricket jumper whilst watching, Strauss and the lads remain to blame...

MORNING SESSION : HOW TO LOSE A TEST MATCH IN TWO HOURS AND ALIENATE YOUR FANS

Brocko was almost out LBW to Hilfenhaus first ball and the tone was set. Our Lord was clearly unable to clear his mind from the chaos of the morning and soon departed for just three runs. This was the "monster" game of the series [Shayne - who else would say something so uncouth?!] but something didn't feel right. The loss of sleep, the loss of Freddie and the near-loss of The Teeth had unsettled the captain and his team. Strauss was lucky not to be dismissed for a golden duck. His Sid induced departure fifteen minutes brought the out of form Ravinder to the crease. Having failed to deliver all series, this was his moment, his last chance to prove himself as a test match number three. But The Puppy was removed for just a single run. The Hilfenmesiter ensnared Bopara with ease. We were 16 -2 after half an hour. 2 wickets in the first seven overs had left us reeling. The Lost Boy emerged and I was not cheered by the sight of his nervous visage. Sherm and The Chef managed to survive until drinks at noon but shortly afterwards Belly was dismissed by a menacing MJ for just eight. Mr Emo had struck with the third ball of his third over. Our affinity with the collapse had reared again. "Problems for England" deadpanned Holding. The target was to get to lunch with our wickets intact. Cook looked well set on 20 and our Man for a Crisis aka The Nurdler was the perfect companion for dour rear-guard action. But the atmosphere was a febrile one. It was disgraceful that we were on the defensive so early and anxiety was alive on the field and in the crowd. Having won the toss and chosen to bat, we were on the ropes already.

The conditions were more bowler friendly than expected and the Aussie quicks were a potent force but they were by no means unplayable. Our self-destructive streak had returned with a vengeance, seeping by osmosis throughout the side. Colly was deceived by a good delivery by the recalled Clark aka Mr Reliable and was out for a duck. The momentum in the series had shifted. Our batsman were playing loosely and chasing the ball - it was agony to watch such reckless stroke play. "It's chaos. I feel like I'm in fast-forward" remarked Shayne. Aided and abetted by cloud cover and humidity, the Oz bowlers continued apace. Mr Reliable, in particular, was relentless in his accuracy and secured the scalp of The Chef, our only remaining specialist batsman, for just 30 runs. We were in disarray. Boyband marched to the crease to join The Teeth and the brittle nature of our batting line-up was manifest. Westlife was culled by Clark in the session's final over to complete the final over. We were a horrendous 72-6. The test match was already gone.

AFTERNOON SESSION : X RATED CRICKET AS ENGLAND IMPLODE

With the Aussie bowlers on fire, I feared that we wouldn't even reach a century of runs in our first innings. I settled back on the sofa with some trepidation. This was masochism of the highest order. Our last hope of restoring some pride lay with Dr Comfort and our wicketkeeper/batsman/footballer. Marcel survived without scoring for fifteen balls as Prior scored freely as the other end but then our Swann was dismissed for a duck edging to Pup off Siddle. We were 92-7 and 100 seemed some distance away. GBH marched into the arena and was welcomed back to The Ashes with a bouncer right in the melon from The Vicious One. Harmy, unsurprisingly, soon departed for a duckling and the Aussies needed just two more wickets to skittle us out. "England need a Houdini act now", grimaced Beefy. We had collapsed like a house of cards - a line of lemmings walking the plank. Jimbo arrived with his record of 52 consecutive duckless innings under threat. Anderson managed to get off the mark but he was out for a single run as Sid struck again with a bouncer. "Maybe Strauss should declare now!" chuckled Athers. This was a tragicomic innings of Shakespearean proportions. It was apt that it was The Bard who was the final domino to fall. Vicious claimed his maiden Ashes five-for as Onions also failed to score. The Teeth was left stranded on an unbeaten 37. We were all out for an abysmal 102. Our lowest score at Headingley for over hundred years. It was a shocking, shocking collapse. We were shell-shocked.

The Aussies, buoyed with momentum, begun their innings with urgency, confidence and panache. Only two of our batsman reached double figures but Shane II managed to reach double figures in his first over off Jimmy. The embarrassment was intensifying. Minute by minute our lead in the series was fading from our grasp in devastating fashion. GBH made an early breakthrough dismissing The Kat for a duck but the moment was an aberration in a sea of substandard conduct. The aura had descended upon The Australians once again. They may have been an uncomfortable 14-1 but Punter and his partner Watson played with poise and accelerated superbly. Ponting was off the mark with a boundary and the pair raced away with ease. Our bowling was completely off key - far too short, far too wide, far too predictable. Onions was introduced into the attack and his ball was pulled for six by the Barmy Army's No 1 fan. This was the nadir. Our opponent's run rate was an extraordinary 8.2 runs per over. Who said this wasn't a batting pitch? Our bowlers toiled away in gruesome ineptitude. Anderson didn't look fully fit but the others had no excuse for their wayward line and length. The Aussie skipper and Mr Watson secured a fifty partnership off just sixty nine balls and continued effortlessly until tea. They were 69-1 and peerless.

EVENING SESSION : ENGLAND UNLEASH MITIGATED FIGHTBACK

The evening session yielded three wickets and some hope but it couldn’t camouflage the calamitous play which had gone before. The Aussies ended the day with a healthy lead. When the evening session got underway, they signalled their intent with some aggressive stroke-play. The Baggies quickly scampered into a lead and we were leaking boundaries. The Bard made the break-through at last removing Shane II just after the batsman had passed 50. Westlife then miraculously dismissed Punter LBW for 78 just as the skipper looked set for yet another century. Oz were 140-3 with a lead of 38. The Blonde soon claimed another scalp - The Hussler LBW. Their lead had advanced to just 49. But no further wickets fell in the evening session as Clarke was luckily deemed not out gloving to Bopara off Harmison. The umpires declared that the ball had struck the vice skip's fore-arm not his glove. Luck had deserted England too. Another wicket would have given us an outside chance of retaining parity in the match and the series. But Australia ended the day on 196-4 with Messrs Snorks and The Pup still at the crease. Their lead was 94 and a Monday déjà vu was on the cards. Shudder...

Quote of the Day 1: Bumble on haunted Headingley, ghosts and post-mortem existence - "This is a suspicious place".

Quote of the Day 2: The Singing Spinner - [as Ravi came into bat] "This is it". How horribly apt.

Ornithological Count: 4 Ducks - 3 thorough-breads and one golden beast. Grotesque. Poison that birdseed now.

Barminess Barometer: 500% - KISS were in the house. I think we should have invited them onto the pitch. Our players might have been sparked into action at the sight of the rampaging, fire-breathing, blood-spitting legends...

I'm sure all England fans watched Saturday's play through the fog of a hangover. The first day's play was traumatising viewing.