2nd Test : Day Three - England veer towards victory

The jaws of darkness do devour it up:
So quick bright things come to confusion.
A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act I Scene i

England 1st innings: 425 and 2nd innings: 311-6 ; Australia - 1st innings: 215 (day three, stumps).

I've always been wary of watching cricket in a hungover state. The irascibility that comes with a pounding head doesn't sit easily with the rhythms of the game. However, I decided that I couldn't sacrifice everything for The Ashes. Hour upon hour of television viewing in stark concentration had meant that my sanity was on the brink. A night out on Friday seemed the perfect cure. When I woke up on the eve of play, I begun to doubt my audacity. I struggled downstairs to catch the first ball, Nurofen in hand. I was urging England to produce. I had enough of my own self inflicted pain to endure...

MORNING SESSION : A MYSTERY OR A MUDDLE?

The Aussies begun the day needing 70 more runs to follow on and with pace still in the pitch we were confident of knocking over the last two wickets with ease. The momentum had shifted so far in our favour that a fight-back from the Aussie tail was almost impossible to countenance. Their innings had only lasted 50 overs so our bowlers were fresh and raring to go. We scented further scalps in minutes. Unfortunately, Sid and Nancy - sorry, the Haur - dug in and their partnership lasted for over half an hour. Our aggressive field meant that sacrifices on the boundary had to be made and both batsmen reaped the gap at third man with ease. Shakespeare, at last, removed the non spinning spinner for 24 to reduce our foes to 196 - 9. They needed just 12 more runs to avoid the ignominy of being put into bat as Hilfy walked to the crease. The tension was palpable as we sensed a missed opportunity to inflict a huge psychological blow. All our hopes rested with The Medieval Face as Freddie was ignored (presumably injury induced) and Anderson was toiling with the old ball. On cue, Onions struck again as the Vicious one edged a delivery to Our Lord at slip. The Aussies were 6 runs behind and in serious arrears.

It looked as if we were about to see the Enemy follow on in a test match for the first time since Trent Bridge in 2005. The decision to enforce the game's greatest embarrassment aka the follow on seemed an obvious one but as Strauss and Cook raced from the field with intent it became clear that Brocko had decided against it. I was livid. An unbroken 50 stand btwn Brocko and the Chef ensued but all momentum had been lost. Our stranglehold of the match had been loosened.

AFTERNOON SESSION : RISK AVERSE STRAUSS SUFFERS THE CONSEQUENCES

Thoroughly unimpressed and more than a little confused, I settled down to watch the afternoon's play still aghast at the captain's decision. Why let the Aussies off the hook? The test match was open once more. If our opponents had been batting again, their chances of winning the match would have been minimal. With so much time left in the game, our fate now lay with our batsman to secure a commanding lead. It was obtuse. Our bowlers, despite their misfiring antics in Cardiff, are our strongest weapon. If the decision was something of a risk, it was a risk well worth taking.

I watched on in fury as first the Chef and then Strauss were ensnared LBW by Haur shortly after lunch. We were now 74-2. The sight of our two most out of nick batsman together at the crease - comrades Kevin and Ravinder - was a galling one. Just after 14.00, KP was almost dismissed twice off the same ball. The delivery from The Hilfenmeister outfoxed him and then, as KP was floundering down the pitch fearing the worst, Punter inexplicably missed a golden run out chance from slip. In the next over, Ponting came to our rescue again. The usually slipper dropped Ravi on 9 off Siddle in the slip cordon. Both captains had lost the plot.

The Aussie skipper was incandescent. Having led his team so superbly at Swalec with a century and an inspired performance in the field, he had become a Jonah for his own team. Our batsman continued to look uneasy and scratched around at both ends. Both players were searching for form in the most testing of arenas but battled on to reach 100-2 - and secure a lead of 310 runs. The pair were unable to settle and their running between the wickets was restricted because Kevin's Achilles injury impaired his movement. It was torturous to watch. The run-rate slowed significantly and, although the wide boys continued to persevere and completed a 50 partnership, their performance seemed to vindicate my dismay at Brocket's decision. The test match had almost ground to a halt. We had become passengers not aggressors. The attacking intent that a declaration demands was entirely absent. Bopara was almost dismissed just before tea but the Haur was denied a catch when the third umpire declared that the ball had not carried. Kevin hobbled off at the end of the session on 130-2 joined by an amusingly unabashed Ravi who could have walked.

EVENING SESSION : ENGLAND PRESS ON ... AT LAST

The evening session demanded a tempo shift. It was to be a three hour marathon of up to 42 overs and by the end of the day we were looking for a lead of 500 odd. It was clear that the conservative Brocket was unlikely to declare before close but it was essential that we upped the run rate to enable us to declare as early as possible on Sunday and give us the maximum amount of time to bowl the Aussies out on days four and five. The Haur opened the bowling and soon removed the perilous Puppy for 27. I was pleased to see his wicket fall and the most unfortunate of unions end. If anyone could aid Kevin into nick at the crease, it was our Ginga Ninja. Colly was off the mark first ball with a four and we hoped for another productive partnership from the polar opposites. This wish was short-lived as KP soon edged behind to Haddin off Sid. Our latest invalid had earned 44 runs off 101 balls but had scarcely played less like himself. Kevin and Freddie may be titans but they should not be selected if they are not 100% fit. The Aussies don't need any help. Why are we playing with two crocks in our side?

Pietersen's dismissal ended up being a blessing, however, and the new partnership of The Nurdler and The Teeth re-energised our play. At 17.00, our lead had moved onto 391 with 30 overs of the day still to play. "A sense of urgency has returned," Gower eulogised in relief. Colly and Prior were both freely playing shots and rushed to a 50 partnership. Our non wicket-keeping wicket keeper then claimed his 50 from just 57 balls - his quickest yet for England. Unfortunately, he was run out shortly afterwards but his knock had been a vital one. We lead by 470 on 260-5 as Freddie entered the party for his final innings at Lord's with a licence to thrill. Or kill. Beefy and Shayne couldn't decide. Our venomous exuberance continued as Collingwood reached 50 with our lead on 499 with Fred thrashing away and moving around the crease at the other end. As we pressed on and our lead passed the 500 mark, direction from above was summoned. Confusion rained as The Flinstone waved to the balcony in search of guidance. We had a lead of 512. How big a cushion did we want?

Messages in a bottle from Kurt Cobain arrived to enlighten our batsmen. 12th man Ian Cobain rushed on carrying an energy drinks bottle to impart the news that bad light meant that we couldn't declare. Permission to bludgeon around was granted. A 50 partnership had been reached with ease just before the cherubic messenger arrived from the balcony and the pair pressed on. With the last ball of the day, Colly was removed for 54. The rain fell with our second innings score a stout 311-6. After a romping run rate of 5.78 from our final batsmen, it was all quiet on the Lordian front. Play was officially abandoned and we were free to dream of victory.

Quote of the Day: The Eternal Optimist - "I'm stuck shooting in Canterbury and have no clue what's happening".

Ornithological Count: Normal service resumed. The only wings on show were those donned by Kurt, the Messenger.

Barminess Barometer: Off the scale and impossible to calculate. Boris Johnson and mini Boris were in attendance. The hair was in true hedge affected splendour. And that's the father I'm talking about. The son's mane looked like a bird's nest. The pair spent much of yesterday grimacing, all slumber. Terrifying stuff. I also detected Chavs in the crowd. Yes, really. Chavs at Lord's. You heard it hear first. Who let them pass through the gates? I think I need to lie down...

Our bowling dynamos should be unleashed from the off tomorrow to put us in position to win the test as quickly as possible. They must show why Strauss should have had more faith in them. I don't think they will disappoint.