2 Days to go : England Lee-ding the way

There is no sport in hate where all the rage
Is on one side.
- P. B. Shelley

Welcome to my countdown to the fiercest face-off in sport. The Ashes is nothing without fury and, with less than 48 hours to the big kick-off, rage is rising in my very soul. Where is GBH? Why persist with Monty? Why did Lord Brocket never get his teeth fixed as a child? But, the news that Brett Lee is set to miss the first two tests, is helping me to realign somewhat. We must resist the masochism of pondering team-selection quibbles (Is The Sherminator really our only back-up batsman?), tactical agonies (Is Lord B brave enough to declare boldly and early enough? History already suggests otherwise….) and form fears (Yes, I’m talking about The Nurdler…) when the Aussies’ plans have been obliterated. I don’t think Punter is going to sleep easy tonight…

Of course, we can’t discount our own concerns entirely. In order to take advantage of Lee’s absence, we must ensure that our batsmen’s inbuilt predisposition to the collapse is somehow wrung out of them and our typical first test sluggishness is forgotten. We may have overcome defeat at Lord’s in the first test in 05 but, this year, the relative inexperience of both sides renders the first test even more important. Let’s take advantage of the ECB’s bizarre decision to play in Cardiff and dare to win a first Ashes test at home. The foreign soil should work to our advantage and aid our chances, provided that we pick the right team.

The batsmen pick themselves at this point so the only conundrum is on the bowling side – The Medieval Face or the Montster? If the wicket is a turning one, as expected, then logic decrees that we must play two spinners so the chronically out of form Monty seems set to be an inevitable pick. Panesar is more than fortunate; if the selectors had greater gumption they would have picked fellow spinner Adil Rashid in the squad instead. Dilly, the young stand-out star of our World Twenty20 campaign and, crucially, an all-round talent (something Monty will never to be), is one for now, not for the future. If picked, I hope the Turbanator proves me wrong but I’m not overly confident. Dr Comfort, our no.1 spin king, has the ability to bewitch the Australians all on his own. Why not unleash Onions and make them weep even more? (Be warned! Onions’ name is ripe for the most pernicious puns…).

Over the next few months, I will be devoting myself to the pursuit of victory and analysing the twists and turns of each day’s play. Clad in a flag of St. George, an M P Vaughan wide brimmed sun-hat and assorted white togs (no other colour would suffice), I shall cheer on our warriors alongside fellow devotees, recent converts and reluctant observers. My companions will be sure to enthral when the inevitable breaks in play ensue, weather induced or otherwise. (Streakers and pigeons, amongst other curious creatures, seem to be becoming increasingly cumbersome obstacles to the flow of play…)

So, without further ado, let me introduce my cricketing troupe – first, my central contracted players :

The Eternal Optimist - an aficionado blinkered by patriotism who even lives just a Gayle six away from The Oval. Will not give up hope until the bails have been removed at his local ground in the final test.

The Singing Spinner - a classical music lover with a horizontal attitude to everything. Well, almost. Every couple of years, The Ashes rouse this most docile of specimens from his slumber. Expect the unexpected.

The Freddied Flinstone - a part-time supporter who appears to be only here for the beer. (Just like our Fred perhaps..) One to watch during a rain break.

The Novice – a relative newcomer to all forms of the game. Be prepared for irritating questions, unfounded opinions and outrageous etiquette.

On the sidelines, but not to be discounted, are the following –

The Bearded Lady – only set to be a part-time observer of the series by virtue of her having a so-called ‘real job’. Nevertheless, the old adage applies – never underestimate a tail-ender.

and … The Rebel Swan – currently yet to admire the game for anything other than its sartorial charm. But, despite being French in nationality, it seems only a matter of time before a cricketing awakening strikes.

The Seven Sinners – myself, The Eternal Optimist, The Singing Spinner, The Freddied Flinstone, The Novice, The Bearded Lady and The Rebel Swan – are looking to recruit. All applications welcome. Anything goes…

I’m off to pray to the weather gods. All this rain is making me rather nervous but I can’t entertain the idea that the first-day can be a wash-out. I’m sure Zeus is just toying with us.

Until tomorrow…